ROME IF YOU WANT TO

Wow

2012-01-06T14:52:00.002-07:00

I was looking back over my posts for the last couple years and found one back in November of 2010 where I made some predictions for 2011. I was a little off on some things, but I'm really surprised how many things I got right. Check it out by clicking here, or navigate to it on the right in November of 2010.

Freaky.

Six Months in Six Seconds

2011-12-14T12:53:00.002-07:00

Goats

2011-10-25T17:23:00.006-06:00

There was a time when having whiskers on your chin was a good thing. In the last few months, though, I've noticed a disturbing trend: whenever there's a news story about a pedophile, a flasher, a guy who may or may not have killed his wife, or any other creepy deviant, almost without exception they have what's commonly referred to as a goatee ( though traditionally called a Van Dyke).

I've had a goatee myself on and off since I've been able to grow hair on my face, and it has been over 6 years since I've seen my chin. It's too bad that some people have been bringing a bad name to those who choose to have beards.

Without any hair on my face I look like a 15-year-old, which really isn't a good look for me. Annie would probably leave me if I didn't have at least some hair on my face. But I don't think I can continue sporting a goatee with all the bad press guys with goatees have been getting lately.

So I'm considering a change. Please refer to the following chart:

Which type of facial hair would you like to see me wear? Please take a moment to vote on the sidebar to the right. The results of the poll will not be binding, but I'll certainly consider them.

All Intensive Purposes

2011-04-13T11:55:00.012-06:00

I don't know if I'm just getting old and grumpy or what but certain mispronounced/mispelled words and phrases have been driving me increasingly more crazy every year. Maybe it's because people write increasingly more than they speak, and they're less and less able to pass themselves off as being literate when they can't just speak quickly and pretend they had a small stroke midway through their sentence.

Whatever it is, I just wanted to try to help the three readers of my blog (not that I think you have a problem if you're one of the three readers, but you may be able to use this to help other people that you know that are struggling with this.)

I took a lot of information (okay, so maybe all of it) from this great article at http://www.yourdictionary.com/. I appreciate their attempt to help people not look like idiots. And, I do have to admit, I learned one or two things from the list.

Arctic and Antarctic - You'll notice that there are 2 Cs in each of these words. Both Cs actually get pronounced. Although, I have to admit that it's easier to say, "Let's get a shake at the Artic Circle." Unfortunately, it's difficult to get a shake at the Arctic Circle in less than 20 minutes, especially with their perpetual "Slow Service" (Help Wanted) signs up.

Bidness - I know it seems cute to say "bidness" and kind of fun to write "bizness" but, really, can't you pretend you don't have a giant wad of gum in your mouth when you say business?

Blessing in the Skies - Even though blessings often come the the skies, it really doesn't have much to do with a blessing that, at first glance, appeared to be a trial. Blessing in diguise really is the better phrase for what you think you're trying to say.

Chester Drawers - With so many things in our world named after people, it just seems logical that a guy named Chester became famous for his furniture. Sadly, though, despite all the people through the years named Chester that have made, sold, or owned a Chest of Drawers, his name never actually stuck. I spent my first 10 years of life wondering who Chester was. (On a side note, I'd like to see Chester Cheetah hide in a chest of drawers in a Cheetos commercial one day.)

Dialate - No, sorry, it dilate. Just one 'A'. I don't like when the eye doctor dilates my eyes, but I think I'd like it even less if he ever tried to dialate them.

Doggy Dog World - There are lots of dogs in the world. Living in a "Doggy dog world" almost sounds like a happy place, with lots of doggies running around in a field, chasing after frisbees and jumping and frolicking playfully. I'm sorry to ruin this illusion, but the term is "Dog eat dog world". You know, where dogs eat each other. Not quite so fun, but much more descriptive of the point people are trying to make.

Drownd and Drownded - It's sad when sacks full of cats are drownded, but it's even more sad when somebody uses the word drownded. This is one where, when people are forced to type it, they completely change to sentence to avoid having to type it because they have no clue what the real word is supposed to be, and they know that "drownded" can't possibly be right.

Excape and Expecially - It's so much more work for your mouth to say "excape" instead of "escape". Why do people do it?

For All Intensive Puposes - Despite how intensive the purposes may be, they have nothing to do with what you're trying to say. It should be "for all intents and purposes", or apparently, "to all intents and purposes" if you're English. This is the phrase that got me thinking about all this today. Somebody had posted it in the comment section of a blog and I just had to laugh. Laugh and laugh.

Heighth - Even though width ends in "th" and width and height often go together, there's no such thing as "heighth".

Hot Water Heater - I guess this is sort of like frying refried beans. How many times does the water need to be heated?

Irregardless - Adding the "ir" to regardless sort of nullifies the original intent, doesn't it? This is similar to "unthawing" something. As far as I know, the best way to "unthaw" something is to put it back in the freezer.

Liberry - I'd like to see a liberry. Maybe I could read about it in a book that I checked out of the Library, the kind with two Rs that aren't next to each other.

Lightning - Even though it may be "lightening" up the sky, it's still spelled "Lightning". There's no E between the light and the ning. Really. Trust me.

Mannaise - For people who pronounce it this way, have you ever wondered why it's shortened to "Mayo"? Is there a pH-balanced version of it called "Womannaise"? Which bring up the one mispelling that drives me more nuts than most. In fact it drives me so nuts I'm not even going to keep it in alphabetical order. It moves up the list to right here:

Women - "That's the right spelling," you say. And you're right, if you're talking about MORE THAN ONE woman. It's not hard to see the connection between "man:woman" and "men:women" is it? Apparently it is for some people.

Moot - Yes, it's funny to say "Moo point" instead of "moot point", because who really cares what a cow has to say. But it's definitely not a "mute" point. It can still be heard.

Nucular - Here's a hint: Homer Simpson mispronounces it in an attempt at humor, not to set an example for generations of people. It's nuclear. Nuclear.

Ordinance - Yeah, that's a real word, too. But it's more of a law or rule. Ordnance (without the I) refers to bombs, bullets, and other military equipment. The military may have many ordinances, but you're probably referring to their ordnance.

Probly - If you insist on spelling it this way at least have the courtesy to put in an apostrophe so people can pretend it's correct.

Prostrate - As near as I can tell, nobody has ever died of Prostrate Cancer. They were probably prostrate at some point during their treatment for Prostate Cancer, but the prostration wasn't really the issue.

Realator - I admit, it seems like there should be another syllable in Realtor, but there's not, so get over it.

Sherbert - No, that's what Ernie says when he's in agreement with his bunkmate, not the fruit flavored frozen treat you're eating.

Spade - It's too bad Bob Barker died without ever knowing how many people misunderstood his pleas for them to "spade" their pets. The correct term, if you're still reading, is "spayed", meaning the past tense of the verb "to spay". Wait, Bob Barker's not dead?

Spitting Image - Yeah, this one surprised me, too. It's actually "Spit and Image". The image doesn't actually do any spitting, though that would be cool to see.

Supposably - Supposedly, this is one of the words that Shakespeare invented. It's not, though. It's not any kind of a word at all. It's just a bunch of letter put together in a somewhat logical fashion.

Take for Granite - I spent most of my young life wondering what this could possibly mean. I finally determined that it meant that something was solid and unmovable. Like, if it were to take it for granite that the army would keep me safe, that meant that I firmly believed that they would. I'm surprised I survived to my tenth birthday.

Tiajuana - I also spent months trying to find Tiajuana on a map of Mexico. I thought it was odd that there was a place with a similar name, Tijuana, which was also right on the border.

There are probably many more that I could add to the list but I don't feel like it. If there are any mispronunciations that drive you nuts add them in the comments.

Quote Games

2011-03-08T10:24:00.002-07:00

Well, I've done it again. I finished (is anything ever really finished?) writing another game. This one's even pretty fun. It's great for when you don't want to have to think, but you'd like to think you're learning something or doing something productive.

It's actually composed of five separate games, all centered around famous quotations. There are nearly 9,000 quotations that will come up randomly. And at this point I have to say that I haven't personally read all the quotations. Some may be offensive to some people (although I hope not) and some may have spelling errors that would make it difficult to solve the puzzle. Just consider that part of the experience, I guess.

The first game is the one that will pop up when you first start. It's called PLUMMETGRAM. If you do those variety puzzle books you've probably seen it as Wordfall or some other similar name.

The quotation is stripped of punctuation and laid out in a grid. The letters are removed and suspended above the grid. Your job is to drop the letters into the correct spot to complete the quotation. Clicking on a letter will drop it into the next available space, or you can drag the letter into place, or you can type the letter (it will drop into the highlighted space), or hold control and press the down arrow. You can move around the puzzle by clicking on a space, using the arrow keys, or rolling the mouse wheel. You can play the whole game with as little effort as moving a single finger on the mouse.

There are 5 skill levels for each game. For this one, the skill level changes the number of rows, thus increasing the difficulty. The Novice level has 3 rows, the Wizard has 7 (you can probably figure out the rest from there). There are also 2 helps at the top of the screen: Show Hint drops a random piece into place, and Cheat highlights the pieces in red or green to show what you have correct and what you screwed up.
In case it's not obvious, you can click on the part of the screen on the right that says "More Games" to see the other options. Or, if you don't feel like clicking, just hover over there for a second; it'll pop up.

The second game is just a regular CRYPTOGRAM, where each letter is represented by another letter. All the punctuation will still be included in the quotation, and you get the extra benefit of seeing the author's name (well, you have to solve that, too, but it can help).

There will always be one space selected in bright green, and all the other occurences of that letter will be highlighted in a darker green. You can move around by clicking on a space, clicking on the top part of the key at the bottom, or spinning the mouse wheel (which can be really fun). Enter a letter by typing it on the keyboard or clicking the lower portion of the key at the bottom.

The third game also appears in some puzzle books. I call it PSEUDOGRAM. In this game, all the letters are represented by a number, and the difficulty level determines how many letters are represented by the same number. The Novice level uses 13 numbers to represent all the letters (that's 2 letters per number, if you're keeping track). The Wizard level uses 5 numbers to represent all the letters (that's 5 letters per number, and 6 letters for the number 1).

To fill in letters, just type them from the list of available letters below each space. In this example, the first letter is selected, and you can either type J or W. If you prefer, you can just click the letters instead. If you get stumped on a word and want to return to it later, just click on a space in a different word and it will let you work on that one.

The next (or fourth, if you're keeping track) puzzle is the JIGSAWGRAM. It's really pretty simple. It takes a quote, writes it on a piece of paper, cuts it into pieces, and scrambles those pieces. All you have to do is put the scattered pieces on the right into the right order in the boxes on the left.

The difficulty level defines how many pieces there are. On the Novice level, it draws a 3x3 grid. On the wizard leve, it grows to 8x8. I'll let you figure out the ones in between.

The last (or fifth) game is what I call a CLUSTERGRAM. I've seen these in some puzzle books, but only really hard puzzle books. In the puzzle books, they only have clusters of 3 letters. That's really too difficult to be fun, if you ask me. So in my version, the Novice level has clusters of 7 letters, and the Wizard has clusters of 3.

In this game, the quotation has been cut up into equal-sized pieces. The only catch is that the letters in the pieces don't include spaces or punctuation. You have to use the spaces and punctuation in the blank spaces to determine where each piece should go. To make it easier (or does it make it harder?), the name of the author is part of each puzzle. Just drag and drop the pieces into place.

Where can you get this game, you ask? For being a reader of my blog, you can get your own copy by logging into my special ymail account set up just for that purpose. Go to http://www.yahoo.com/, click on Mail, then enter the following information to log in:

Username: softwaredan@ymail.com
Password: soft123

If fact, you could even just cut and paste from here. Then, just find the e-mail titled: "Quote Games", open it up, download the file, put it somewhere you won't forget it (the desktop works well), and play.

All I ask is that you let me know what you think of it, and tell me if you find anything not working right, or that could be done better. Or, if you don't want to tell me what you think, that's okay too. I'd rather you play it and not tell me than not play it so you don't feel obligated to send me a message. Either way.

Progress

2011-02-18T11:14:00.004-07:00

So I've achieved my life-long dream of writing a screen saver that shows the time and date represented by the location of the planets in the solar system. Okay, so maybe it hasn't been a life-long dream, but I've spent a considerable number of hours contemplating it.

Among the features of the screen saver is the ability to rotate the solar system to any angle. It also shows the current phase of the moon (it's hard to tell, since it's currently a full moon. Believe me, though, it changes). The planets also get smaller as they get farther away,. There's also a mode where you can have the planets move in their normal orbits, unrelated to the time. Oh, and if you're lucky, from time to time you'll see shooting stars (and all the other stars twinkle a little bit).

I guess you'd just have to see it action to fully appreciate how useful it is.

I've also finished (short of a little more testing) my calculator program. I can't stand the stupid little calculator that comes with Windows, and it's just too much effort to reach into my desk drawer to pull out my real calculator. Plus, this one has so many more features than either of those.

The 2nd and 3rd rows of buttons actually move in 4 directions to show 4 more sets of buttons: one for financial functions, another for statistical operations, one for trigonometric functions, and another to do common conversions. (There's also a second function for each of the buttons that can be brought up by pushing shift, or just right-clicking the button.)

It also runs in the background on your computer and can be pulled up with a hotkey any time.

Oh, and the best part about the calculator: it uses reverse polish notation so it's easy to use. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

Anyway, I'm getting better with the whole programming thing. I just need to figure out how to put all those skills to a profitable use.

Predictions for 2011

2010-11-14T14:31:00.003-07:00

Well, 2010 is coming to a close and it's time to start thinking about 2011. Through exhaustive research and intuition I've compiled a list of things that I think will happen in 2011. We'll see how well I did when 2012 gets here.

#1 - There will most likely be an assassination attempt on a US politician. Nobody super important; probably somebody very few people have ever heard of.

#2 - There's trouble brewing in the Middle East. (Isn't there always?) I think this year's going to be much worse than usual though. I would guess that a few governments might even get toppled. It seems like Egypt will probably be at the heart of all the problems.

#3 - Gas prices will increase (I'm really going out on a limb on this one). I don't think they'll get as high as they did a few years back, but they'll be pretty high most of the year.

#4 - It's been a few years since we had a good tsunami. As much as I hate to see it happen, there will most likely be a major tsunami in the Pacific Ocean this year. Probably on the Asia side of the Pacific. I don't think California's quite ready for the big one yet.

#5 - We've had some quiet years for hurricanes and tornadoes. We're probably still okay hurricane-wise for a year or two, but it's pretty likely there will be a lot of tornado activity in the southern US states this year.

#6 - President Obama will probably finally give into pressure and release a birth certificate. It still won't put the argument to rest, though, and he won't release any other information that people have been requesting for years.

#7 - Prince William will finally marry that Middleton chick, but someone else will try to upstage her.

#8 - The laziest Americans seem to be getting lazier and lazier. In 2011 I think that a large group of them will finally give up and just hang out in parks and on the sidewalks claiming to be protesting some injustice, but they'll really just be hoping for handouts.

#9 - I think this will be the year that we finally take out Osama bin Laden. He'll probably be found in Pakistan because that's the only place we haven't looked yet.

#10 - Christmas season shopping will pick up pretty good in 2011, but nobody will dare call it Christmas shopping. It's 'holiday' shopping.

Well, we'll see how I did in about 14 months. I may not write again before then, but I'll try. It's tough to come up with ideas about things to write about. Maybe I'll try this prediction stuff again, though, unless I'm totally wrong on all of these.

I Have BDS

2010-10-25T13:50:00.009-06:00

What does BDS stand for? A quick internet search will give a variety of answers from Broadcast Data Systems to Bush Derangement Syndrome, to Battlefield Distributed Simulations and Bone Density Scanners. I really only care about one type of BDS: Butter Delivery Systems.

What is a Butter Delivery System, you ask? It's a type of edible product that exists primarily to provide a socially-acceptable method of eating butter.

Toast (B:F = 1:12)

The most common BDS to most Americans is toast. Toast doesn't have a very high B:F Ratio though (B:F = Butter to Food), and is therefore one of the least efficient BDSs. The problem is that the toast is only able to hold a limited amount of butter without becoming soggy, and soggy toast, no matter how much butter is involved, is just not worth eating. . Chilled butter lasts longer on the toast before soggying the bread, but too much chilled butter prevents the butter from melting fully (the toast only has so much residual heat from the toaster) and pockets of unmelted butter on toast just detracts from the enjoyment of ingesting the butter.

Dinner Rolls (B:F = 1:10):

Perhaps the next most common BDS is the common dinner roll. Dinner rolls generally begin their existence with a coating of butter on top already, giving them a leg up on toast. (Yes, butter-top bread also has butter on top, but there's much less surface area on the top of a slice of bread than on a roll). Dinner rolls can also be split down the middle to double the surface area that contains the butter, thus increasing their B:F ratio. One other advantage to the roll is its ability to be reclosed after being buttered so that the butter doesn't leak out (if you're serious about getting your daily RBI (recommended butter intake) you can pinch the edges to make what's known in butter circles as the "dinner roll butter balloon".

Corn (B:F = 1:8-1:4):

Corn in any form seems to be a popular BDS. Cornbread is just begging for a heap of butter, and cornbread eaters are very sympathetic to their plight. Cornbread can have a B:F anywhere between 1:8 and 1:4 for maximum BDS enjoyment, depending on how old the bread is and how thick the bread is.

Popcorn is a popular BDS among movie-goers and those who like to torture their co-workers. Popcorn may have the widest range of acceptable B:F ratios. It can range anywhere between 1:10 (if my wife makes it) to 1:4 if I make it. In fact, if made properly, popcorn can increase in B:F as you near the bottom of the bowl, even approaching a 1:1 ratio. It's just too bad that all the bad popcorn kernels hang out on the bottom and soak up butter that could be better utilized in more palatable BDSs.

Corn on the Cob is a great BDS with a B:F ratio of 1:4-1:2, if only the amount of edible corn is included in the calculation (with deductions for how much remains in your teeth and is later removed with floss). Corn on the cob would achieve an even higher B:F if gravity were not involved. As the corn heats the butter the butter drips off the bottom of the corn, which results in having to constantly rotate the corn to keep the B:F at desired levels. In Earth's orbit it's possible that corn on the cob is the most efficient of BDSs.

Baked Potato (B:F = 1:1)

Here on Earth it can hardly be contested that the baked potato is the most efficient BDS, with a B:F ratio of 1:1. For a regular-sized potato you'll need a full square of butter to make it taste good enough to actually eat it.

The baked potato has some very unique characteristics making it such an effective BDS. First, baked potatoes are extremely dry and even anti-butterites would be tempted to add butter to their potato. Second, the baked potato skin makes a butter-tight pouch that holds in any excess butter until it can be absorbed by the potato. Third, the guts of a potato can be removed from the skin and added back in slowly to aid in total butter saturation.

The added benefit to the baked potato as a BDS is that you can also get your daily allowance of cheese and bacon.

A Hare Faster?

2010-07-27T22:31:00.000-06:00

I know what they're trying to say, but who ended up winning that race?

Ban Anagrams

2010-07-13T11:05:00.001-06:00

Just kidding. I don't want to ban anagrams, but I'd like to see a "Bananagram". You know, a message written on a banana or something.

It turns out that "ban anagrams" is an anagram of "bananagrams". A really weak one, yeah, but still an anagram, and that is what I want to talk about today: Anagrams (not bananagrams).

A few weeks back I got wondering if there were anagrams for my name. That led to looking up other names, anything that came to mind. Having just read the news, a lot of names came from the headlines. Here's a summary of what I found:

Daniel A Palmer = A Plain Emerald, A Remedial Plan, A Marlin Leaped

Senator Harry Reid = Ornate Hairdryers

Kate Gosselin = Lankiest Egos, Seeking Altos, Got Leakiness, or my favorite: Goat Likeness

Nancy Pelosi = Soy Pinnacle, Clips Anyone, Nosy Pelican, and Epic As Nylon

Joe Biden = I Need Job

Sarah Palin = A Sharp Nail

Governor Sarah Palin = Agrarian Shovel Porn, Granola Vapor Shiner

Vegetarian = Irate Vegan, Ate Vinegar, I Avenge Art, and Eat in Grave

British Petroleum = Oh, Trump Liberties, Trout Belie Shrimp

Rocky Mountain Power = Outworn Porky Iceman, Know Your Importance, Manpower Unity Crook, I Am No Rocky Power Nut

President Obama = Impersonate Bad, A Baptism Redone, Entombs a Diaper, Arabised Top Men, Pie Store Badman, Men Abroad Spite, Morbid Satan Pee, and my favorite: A Dope Tribesman

It's a Mystery

2010-07-10T13:23:00.002-06:00

So it's been a really long time since I posted anything. There has been a lot going on lately, but very little of it has been "blog-worthy". This may not be, either, but I'm okay with that.

One of the many projects I've been working on the last few weeks is a way to encrypt text (or any data, really) inside a computer image. I got the idea from news coverage of those Russian spies, and figured if a bunch of Russian spies could figure out how to do it, I could too. It turns out I was right.

The following two images look the same. The only difference is that one of them contains the entire text of "The Hound of the Baskervilles" encrypted inside it. If you were to load the image into my encryption application it would pull out all 326,000 characters and allow you to read the book.

Amazingly, the text takes up no space in the image, nor does it change the appearance in any appreciable way. If you zoom in on each image and go from one to the next, you'll see tiny changes in a few of the pixels, but you can't tell the difference in the pictures at their normal resolution.

Anyway, I'm excited about it, and I'm looking for ways to use it in a productive manner. There are probably only 2 or 3 people reading this that understand what I've done, and maybe only one of those that cares, but at least it's a new post, right?

Mozzarella di Bufala

2010-06-19T12:55:00.002-06:00

I could just dive into that and swim around a bit. With my mouth open, of course.

Who You Gonna Call?

2010-05-18T07:26:00.000-06:00

How Did We Survive

2010-05-13T11:55:00.002-06:00

How did we ever survive before Infomercial products came into our lives?

What's your favorite Infomercial?

Monday Afternoon Humor

2010-04-19T15:19:00.002-06:00

Yes, I have a sick sense of humor. Some people like it, some people don't. Some people have made posters that match it perfectly. Here are some examples from www.despair.com:

The Juice is Loose

2010-04-12T16:15:00.002-06:00

Am I 16 years too slow putting the pieces together, or has nobody else realized that Starburst stopped using their "The Juice is Loose" slogan during the OJ Simpson trial? It's amazing where your mind will wander if you let it.

Best Idea Ever

2010-04-07T22:02:00.000-06:00

Papacists

2010-03-25T14:45:00.001-06:00

It's sad that despite how far we've come as a society things like this still go on.

Bound to be Bound

2010-03-18T09:04:00.005-06:00

Bound is an unbelievably strange and contradictory word, if you ask me. You probably didn't ask, but since I brought it up and you're here anyway you might as well read about it.

I came across the word bound as I was looking for synonyms for "Spring" so that I could post about how happy I was that Spring was almost here without having to title the post something as silly as "Spring is Coming!"

So before I get to my boring "Spring is Coming" post, you're stuck reading about my thoughts on the word "bound".

It's odd, I tell you. Really odd. And did I mention contradictory? You can be bound, as with bonds. But, once you break those bonds you can bound away, free as a bird (except a jailbird, which is still bound). Maybe this isn't all that great a contradiction, but in my mind it sort of is. If I'm bound with ropes, there's not much I can do. I can barely move, so how can I bound (verb)?

The real contradiction, the one that has confused me for a long time, comes with the word "-bound" (notice the '-'). When you add the word "bound" to other words it has one of two meanings: either you're stuck somewhere (snowbound) or you're heading somewhere (northbound).

My question is: If you're "Homebound" are you stuck at home, or are you going home?

If you're "Snowbound" are you stuck somewhere due to snow, or are you heading into the snow in the mountains to ski or something?

If you're "Troublebound" are you heading for trouble, or stuck somewhere because of it?

Hopefully you can see my confusion. Maybe it's just context that makes the difference. Nobody would think that a "homebound" widow was on her way home. But she still could be...

In other news, I'm glad that Spring's on its way!

It's nice to not have to wear a jacket everywhere I go. It's nice to be able to spend time outside enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of nature. I've repeatedly warned Annie that we're going to do a lot more hiking this year. There are lots of places we've never been and I'm excited to get out and see them. Plus, I'm finally in good enough shape to take on any hike out there.

We probably won't do much camping, but that's just because we both prefer sleeping in a regular bed and showering every day. Maybe one day we'll be more outdoorsy, but for now we'll be daytrippin' it.

Hopefully when you hear from us over the next 6 months and we say we're "naturebound" you'll know that we're heading out into nature, not trapped in it.

Busy

2010-03-10T08:36:00.002-07:00

What a crazy couple weeks. I'd address things chronologically, but everything is sort of a blur, so I'll just address things as they pop into my head.

My eyes! I finally got my eyes lasered. It's really strange to be able to see. Even stranger to only be able to see halfway. My right eye is seeing things pretty well, but my left is lagging a bit behind. Things are just a little bit blurry. It's sort of like watching a 3-D movie with only half a pair of 3-D glasses. I get a little queasy just turning my head with my eyes open. On the plus side, I'm back to work and can mostly function.
Speaking of work, I've now received about 1/4 of my returns this year. They're what you see in the picture above. Each folder represents about 10 hours of work to do.
I have a new niece (with no name). I was finally able to see her last night for a few minutes. As Annie can attest, she's pretty cute. I can't wait to see her outside the hospital.
Oh, on Sunday I was put into our ward's new bishopric as the 2nd councilor.
As a result of that, our house is now off the market (well, that and because of the glut of short sales in our neighborhood). So now we can leave our house a little messy and start drawing up plans for our next home improvement project.
It seems like there's a lot more going on, and maybe there is, but I sure can't remember right now.

Crawling Into My Den

2010-02-21T23:48:00.002-07:00

It's that time of year again: Tax Season Hibernation. Tomorrow marks the first unofficial day of the busy season at work. From now until May 1st I'll be buried up to my eyeballs in tax returns, FERC forms, 10-k's, and tax area allocation reports.

Most years are busy enough, but this year we get to do it with one fewer appraiser in the division. That wouldn't be a big deal if we had a dozen or so appraisers, but when you start with 5 taking one away makes a bit of a difference.

I've been told to expect to work about a week's worth of overtime over the next two months.

It's really not that big a deal, I guess. A lot of people work that much and more. Heck, I used to work a lot more than that at other jobs, and they were physically demanding. I've gotta say, though, that I'm more exhausted after 40 hours of thinking than I ever was doing physical labor. The physical labor has a way of rejuvenating you, the thinking just sucks the life out of you.

So just a word of warning: you may not see me much for the next ten weeks. For many of you I'm sure that's an answer to prayer.

Good News! I'm Not Insane!

2010-01-30T14:20:00.003-07:00

Well, at least in one area I'm not losing my mind. As I was sitting here in silence I remembered an odd "trick" I used to be able to do. The word "trick" is in quotation marks because, yes, it's something unique I can do, but nobody can see or hear me do it.

Ever since I can remember I've been able to make a rumbling noise in my head any time I wanted. It's like I flex some sort of muscle and and I hear a rumbling in my ears. I remember asking other people if they could do the same back when I was a little kid, but nobody could and they all thought I was crazy for even asking the question.

But today, when I remembered it, I realized that a lot has changed since I was a little kid: Al Gore created the internet. And with the internet I can type a question, however crazy, into Google or other similar search engine and get a response from anonymous strangers. Are these times we live in great or what?

It turns out that humans have what's called a Tensor Tympani Muscle in their ears (both of them), and that this muscle involuntarily contracts to help dampen chewing noises. It can also help dampen loud noises. But apparently there is a small group of people with the ability to flex this muscle voluntarily. I'm one of them. You can read all about it on Wikipedia here.

I don't know how many times I thought that I must just be crazy or something, or that something was seriously wrong with my head or ears. It's a nice skill to have, though, when people are talking to you and you don't really want to hear them. They can't tell you're doing it, but it sure helps drown them out.

It's just too bad there aren't special scholarships or other benefits for people with this ability. Is there anyone else out there able to do this? Or is it just me and a few other anonymous internet weirdos in an on-line forum?

Post Ideas

2010-01-22T10:40:00.002-07:00

Yeah, so I can't think of anything to write about, even though I have all this time waiting for the dishwasher to finish its cycle so I can shove it back in place and run it again. Stupid leaky dishwasher. It's fixed, or at least it hasn't leaked since I finished fixing it, but I sure hate dealing with water-related fixes.

So I've been wandering around looking for something to write about. I even checked the pantry for ideas. No ideas there, but I did find some crackers to snack on.

Yep, nothing like sitting around watching a dishwasher run, eating crackers, listening to Pink Floyd and waiting for the FedEx guy to bring parts to fix the dryer.

I've gotta say, though, that I'm glad we decided to tile under the dishwasher when we put in the tile. That probably saved us some trouble.

Yeah, I'm still struggling to come up with something to write about. Maybe I'll just give up and do something else for awhile.

Or I could write about how, 3 months ago, I was told that I wouldn't have to go out of town for any classes this winter, but now I've been scheduled to go to two classes in February alone. I guess I should be glad to be able to attend some classes and learn something, but it sure is a bad time to be out of town. Not to mention the fact that the first class is in Logan. Really? Logan in February? I love Logan, don't get me wrong, but there are 11 better months a year to visit. It's hard to enjoy the Aggie ice cream when it's too cold for it to even melt in your mouth.

Still no leaks from the dishwasher, and it's nearing the end of its cycle.

In other news, the trees are really sneezing today.

It sounds like it's on its final drain. Still no leaks. Not even a drip. With any luck it'll work just the same when it's pushed back in place, which I'm going to go do right now...

Back to the Classics

2010-01-18T09:05:00.001-07:00

Ouch

2010-01-16T10:47:00.003-07:00

It may be a little hard to tell in this picture, but the part down below is supposed to look like the picture above. The little metal ball is no longer anywhere to be found, and the 1/2 inch solid metal shaft has been sheared off completely.

On the plus side, we now know why our dryer has been squeaking for years.

Favorite Commercial

2010-01-09T00:14:00.003-07:00

If you know me at all, you know I have a pretty warped sense of humor. For some reason this commercial has always made me laugh. Not just a little chuckle, but a big old belly laugh. Maybe I'm a jerk for getting pleasure out of some kid's pain, but I think he deserved it.

Milwaukee

2010-01-05T16:51:00.003-07:00

Maybe it's time to post something again. It has been almost a month since my last post. And, to be honest, I haven't had a post worth reading in nearly a year (some would argue much, much longer).

I'm not the kind of guy that likes to talk about what I've been doing. I'm more the kind of guy that likes to say quick-witted one-liners and then crawl back into my cave. Facebook is much better for one-liners, but it takes a lot of one-liners to actually say anything of value (some would argue that the sum total of all my facebook comments wouldn't add up to anything of value. I would be among them.)

I see that the trend right now--being the end of 2009 (or beginning of 2010, if you like to look at things like that)--is to give a recap of all the things that happened during the last year. While that would certainly be interesting, I'd like to do something a little different. I don't know what yet, though, so maybe I'll come back and edit this part after I see the direction this post goes.

Maybe I should talk about an experience that happened to me at church a couple weeks ago and go from there. Our Elder's Quorum is the best I've ever been in. Everybody gets along, is able to joke around with each other, but can be serious and spiritual when needed. Anyway, part of the cause of that is that we go around the room introducing ourselves whenever someone new comes into the ward (or from time to time just for fun). I was asked to share what my interests are and it took me a minute to come up with an answer.

It used to be that I felt defined by the things I did. Back when I played the guitar all the time I considered myself a guitar player. When I went out shooting guns every week I was a ... well, a gun enthusiast, I guess. When I was excitedly learning how to cook I was some sort of cooking person.

Those labels always bothered me, as do the labels we put on other people. How is it possible to define a person with 3 or 4 words? And are a person's hobbies really the defining factor in who they are?

Maybe. I'm not writing to give an answer, just to ask the question. I think back to all the people I've met (at least the few I remember) and look at how my perception of that person was ... not "tainted", but a similar word without the negative connotations. I'm not saying that it's bad to introduce someone to someone else by giving a short description of the person, but it's funny to me that those few words become forever associated with the person, at least in my own head.

And those associations can really make an impact on how people are perceived by others, for good or for bad.

I'm often introduced to people at work as "the computer guy" or a similar description. While that is indeed the one-faceted perception that most people have of me at work, it seems woefully insufficient to define who I am. There have been times that I've considered writing up a short essay explaining who I am and what defines me, and having a stack on my desk to hand out to people I meet, but I have a feeling that would seem a little odd (which might reinforce the topic of the essay).

Maybe a short video presentation would work, or some sort of audio recording.

I guess learning about who someone is will always take more than just a handshake and a few pleasantries. And maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's good that we don't all immediately know everything there is to know about other people. It lets us preserve our own personal identity and reveal it as we see fit to those with whom we interact. I definitely don't want strangers knowing as much about my personality as my wife does. And even my co-workers each have a different perception of who I am and what interests me.

Which brings us back to my earlier question: what are my interests?

My answer? Everything. I can't think of a single thing in the world that doesn't interest me in some way. I may not currently be pursuing many interests, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in things. There's no food that I don't want to try, no place that I don't want to go (except maybe Milwaukee), no sport that I don't want to participate in.

So how do you sum that all up in a single phrase during an introduction? "Hi. I'm Dan. I'm interested in everything...except maybe Milwaukee."

930042

2009-12-11T21:13:00.003-07:00

Hey, if you know anyone looking for a 3 bed, 1 bath home in scenic Tooele, have them check this one out.

Pompei

2009-12-03T16:10:00.002-07:00

Have you ever wanted to walk around Pompei, but you were here and Pompei obstinately refused to cross the ocean to visit you? Now you can see Pompei from the privacy of your own home thanks to Google.

Click here! Seriously! Just click!

Hopefully the link works.

It will take you to Pompei, at least on your computer. If you're not accustomed to Google Streetview, you can just click on the white arrows to move around. Or, if you want to change the angle of the camera, just grab the picture with the cursor and move it how you'd like it.

Also, if you'd like to move a lot, just grab that little guy in the bottom section and drop him where you'd like to go.

Anyway. If I'd known that this existed a couple months ago we could have saved ourselves a trip. Just kidding. It's not quite as good as the real thing, but at least there's not as much walking involved.

Where's Rob?

2009-11-30T16:31:00.002-07:00

So the guys at Improv Everywhere have done it again. In their latest mission "Rob" gets lost in Madison Square Garden, and no matter how loud his friends yell, he never sees them. In the end, more people were cheering for Rob than for the Knicks (which isn't saying a whole lot this year...)

More Desktop Pictures

2009-11-17T21:25:00.004-07:00

Here are a few more desktop images from our latest adventure. This first picture is inside the Cathedral of Notre-Dame in Paris. I think this is looking North, but I really have no idea.
I'm not sure where this next picture was taken. Oh wait, I think that's the Colosseum.

The last picture is our current desktop image. It's a picture from inside the Pantheon in Rome.
Feel free to use them if you wish. I don't know about you, but I like to change up my desktop image frequently, especially on my work computer. It helps me forget that I'm at work.

Eyes

2009-11-12T14:09:00.002-07:00

Many of you may know (and many others may not) that I'm looking into Lasik. I went in today for the procedure. After mapping my eyes, though, the doctor was a little hesitant. Because of my "unique astigmatism" as he called it, the laser would come up a bit short fully correcting my sight.

But, he said, there's another way. Well, sort of the same way, but with an extra step involved.

So next week I'll be heading back in and he's going to correct the astigmatism with some sort of diamond blade. Then, in three months when my eyes have recovered, he'll do the lasering.

The delay is a little disappointing, but I'd much rather do it right that do it quick. The doctor is confident that doing it this way will get my vision to the best it can be. Oh, and it'll still be the same price, even though the diamond blade stuff is usually an additional $1000 or so. Can't beat that.

Desktop

2009-11-11T10:37:00.002-07:00

The best thing about going on a vacation is getting to search through the pictures to find a good desktop image. This is my current favorite. It's a picture of something or other at Pompei. I like that it's darker on the left side, where my icons are. It just naturally matches the way I lay out my desktop. It's great.

Feel free to use this picture as your own desktop image if you'd like. You may have to change the size or the format.
This is another of my favorites. It's from Positano looking east across the Amalfi Coast. I like the big funky tree. I "hang" my icons from the branches.

Maybe I'll post some more in the future.

The Money You Could Be Saving With Geico

2009-10-31T18:24:00.003-06:00

If anyone is wondering, Rob Cockerham finished his "TMYCBSWG" costume, and won first place in the first of two costume contests this year. The results are pending for the second.

Halloween

2009-10-24T19:43:00.003-06:00

I'm not a Halloween fan. Ever since I was too old to go begging for candy (and old enough to just buy my own bag of it if I really wanted it) the holiday has lost some of its appeal.

Halloween has taken a turn from how it used to be. It's getting increasingly harder to send kids out to trick-or-treat with all the crazies out there. The trend, at least in Utah, seems to be the Trunk-or-Treat, which can occur weeks before the actual holiday. As a result, the fun of Halloween gets spread out over the month of October and the actual holiday is more and more ignored.

That's okay in my opinion because it's a pretty lame holiday anyway (what are we celebrating? I don't get it.)

A couple years ago, though, I stumbled across a web site that gave me a glimmer of hope that Halloween still had an aspect worth exploring. It's www.cockeyed.com. It's a guy from Sacramento named Rob Cockerham that has a unique approach to life. He's very curious and very creative.

His primary claim to fame is his "How Much is Inside" series where he, well, tries to determine how much is inside stuff. He calculates how many feet of spaghetti are in a box, how many CDs can be labeled with a Sharpie marker, and how much space $1,000,000 in cash would occupy, among 39 other things.

The Halloween-related thing that he does is create elaborate costumes, and then shows the step-by-step process in pictures so that other people can do the same. Some of my favorite costumes that he's done are:

He's currently working on one for this year (he's probably finished, but he hasn't posted all the pictures yet). Follow his progress with me here. I can't figure out what he's making, but I'm excited to see it. Maybe one day I'll try making a costume of my own. We'll see.

Trip Summary II

2009-10-18T09:42:00.007-06:00

If you haven't read part I, read it here first.

We also saw the Amalfi Coast. We took a bus for part of it, and hopped a boat for the rest. I preferred the boat ride to the bus ride, but it was beautiful either way.
We also ventured into Napoli for a day and saw the Archeological Museum there. It was pretty neat. From there we walked down to the water, then back up. The obvious highlight was the pizza. It's the best in the world. Just ask Annie. One bite made her a believer.After we'd had all the fun we could stand in Sorrento (it really was nice; very peaceful and relaxing. In fact, it wins the award for the best hotel stay) we took the train up to Rome.

Rome was great if we disregard the first day. We hda a failed attempt at finding the Rome Temple Site. Bus service in that part of town isn't the most straight-forward. Plus a storm blew in and dropped the temperature about 30 degrees in an hour. We believe we saw the site, but just don't know exactly where we were.

Rome was great, though. We walked all over the place. We started at the Colosseum.
And from there we went everywhere else: the Roman Forum, the Palatine Hill, the Circus Maximus. We got our hands chopped off at the Bocca della Verita.
We saw all the main stuff, plus threw in a couple churches that most tourists don't make it out to. It was a lot of fun. We decided to end the trip with a visit to the Vatican. Here we are on the roof of St. Peter's Basilica. I can now say I peed on top of St. Peter's.
Our flight back home was as much of an adventure as the rest of the trip. We waited for over an hour to check in at the Rome airport. The plane took off an hour or so late (which made our one-hour connection in Paris a little difficult to make). Fortunately our Paris to Boston flight was delayed a couple hours, so we were able to make it back to the US if nothing else.

In Boston we were told that we'd been re-booked on a flight to Minneapolis (instead of direct to Salt Lake), but that we had to go to the far end of the airport to catch it. Oh, and we had to do it in less than an hour. We might have made it if we didn't still have to go through customs, run a half mile through the airport, check in at the other end, and get through security again.

We didn't make it. We couldn't have. Fortunately Air France put us up in the airport Hilton that night with an $80 meal allowance, and booked us on a flight the next day through Cinncinati. We caught that flight, and even made the connection (in less than 45 minutes). And now we're home sorting through 1500 pictures and all sorts of souvenirs. Hopefully we'll dig our way out soon and emerge out into public.

Trip Summary I

2009-10-18T09:10:00.004-06:00

Well, we made it home. The trip was great. There were a couple little snags, we exhausted ourselves completely almost every day, and we unexpectedly extended a night, but it really was a great trip. We didn't have any problems come up; no lost passports, no getting separated on the subway, no pickpockets, no getting hit by cars. We did get lost in Rome for a couple hours, but it was a fun adventure.

We may eventually post a more exhaustive posting of the trip, but for now I'm just going to show a few highlights. Mostly because I'm tired and still recovering from the trip.

As mentioned previously, we were able to ride first class direct to Paris. After we landed we took the train to the hotel. That was quite the change. On the plane we had enough room to lay down completely, our own TVs with anything we wanted on them, somebody bringing 3-course meals every couple hours. On the train we were stuffed into 4 small, hard seats with our luggage teetering precariously above us. Then we had to change trains twice to get to the hotel. It was fun.

After arriving at the hotel we walked to the Eiffel Tower. It was just as big as I remembered it. We took the elevator to the top, fighting sleepiness the whole time (we'd been awake over 24 hours at that point). It was a nice way to start the trip.

The next day (or sometime around there; it's all still a blur) we saw the Arc de Triomphe and all sorts of stuff around Paris. We went to the Louvre, the Moulin Rouge, the Notre Dame Cathedral. We even took a trip out to the Palace at Versailles.
From Paris, we took a plane down to Florence. After the adventure of riding the train from the airport we decided to take an airport shuttle. It only cost a few dollars more than taking the train, and saved us a ton of stress.

Florence was really nice. It felt so relaxed compared to Paris. Paris is a very fast-paced city. Florence is much more laid back. The only really bad thing there was the mosquitoes. Over the course of 3 days I got over 100 bites, but I smashed quite a few of them, too.

Here we are on top of the Dome at the Duomo in Florence. It was a lot of stairs, but a great view.
We also took a side trip out to Pisa. Good thing we did, too, because this tower was falling. It turns out Annie was just strong enough to keep it from falling.I think our best food may have been in Florence, too. The restaurants were very tourist-friendly, but still cheap, and still really tasty. I think they had my favorite ice cream as well.

After Florence we took the train down to Sorrento, just south of Napoli. It's a pretty touristy town, but so quiet and laid back that it was really relaxing. We decided to scale back our plans a bit there and really enjoyed it. We still saw everything worth seeing, but had a lot of time to enjoy it and relax in the evenings. Here we are at Pompei.
Please continue reading here.

Last Travel Update

2009-10-14T06:24:00.002-06:00

Time for just one more update before we get home. We're now two days away from returning home, and still have a lot left to see. We're planning to spend all day tomorrow at the Vatican; St. Peter's, the Vatican Museums, all that.

A lot has happened the last couple days, too, but I'm not going to write it all down now. I'll try to catch up on Saturday when we're home and the internet doesn't cost me $5 an hour.

But we're all still alive and still enjoying the trip. We have a few things left to see today, the Vatican tomorrow, then a 7:00am airport shuttle to begin our long, long flight back. First to Paris, then Boston, then home. And I doubt we'll be able to go first class this time. Oh well.

See you all in a couple days.

Travel Post IV

2009-10-10T12:26:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been a couple days since my last post, and we've done quite a bit. Yesterday we did indeed go to Pompei and walked all over the place. We decided to just make it a relaxing day, so we woke up around 9 and got out the door somewhere around 11.

Pompei, for those who don't know, was a city a couple thousand years ago, but it was destroyed in the volcanic eruption of Mount Vesuvius. They've excavated about 3/4 of the city and you can walk around and see how people lived 2000 years ago.

I had already been there 3 or 4 times, but it seems like every time I go I get a deeper understanding of it and appreciate it more. It's amazing to see the technology they had back then. I'd even go so far as to say the current inhabitants of this area haven't progressed too much farther than they had 2000 years ago.

There are a couple theatres, and amphitheatre, shops, brothels, churches, everything. The roads are all still in place, the buildings are roofless and a bit damaged, but most of the walls are still in place. There are pictures on the walls and mosaics all over and tiled floors. It's remarkable to see.

A lot of the stuff pulled out of Pompei during the excavation ended up at theArcheological Museum of Napoli, which is where we went today.

Before going from yesterday to today, however, I guess I should say that we ate pizza and had a lot of gelato last night, and slept very well.

This morning we got an earlier start because we had a lot of walking to do. We hopped the 9:30 or so train in to Napoli. I was a little nervous to go to Napoli, just because it's crazy there, but there's a lot of stuff worth seeing there if you can make your way through it.

We hopped off the train (the Circumvesuviana) after 70 long minutes and transferred to the regular Metro. They've done a lot of work to the Metro stations since I was here last. I almost didn't recognize them. We just rode one stop, then took the new moving sidewalks to a stop on the other line (that also didn't exist last time I was here) and came up right near the museum.

The museum was really neat. I'd only been there once before, and that was when I was 19 and didn't know about museums and things. We spent a little time appreciating the sculptures there, then went up to see the artifacts from Pompei.

It was really neat to see all the stuff they had there. There were scales for weighing things and medical tools for poking people, and metal pots and pans. I guess I never realized they had metal back then.

We also went into the Gabinetto Segretto, the secret room where they put all the mosaics and sculptures from the red light district of Pompei. I guess there world has always been about the same as it is now, just with different people in it.

After the museum, we walked a bit til we came to a pizzeria in Piazza Dante. I'd never seen it before, and was planning to go to a different pizzeria that I knew, but we were hungry and it looked good. Annie and I each just ordered a Margherita Pizza (crust, tomatoes, mozzarella, oregano, and oil) and she finally agreed with me that the pizza in Napoli is the best pizza she's ever had.

After lunch we walked down the main street down to the water, passing the Piazza del Plebiscito, and the Palazzo Reale, and ended up overlooking the bay and the Castel del'Ovo. We hadn't been able to see the volcano until then because of the smog, but it lifted as we were walking down there so we were finally able to see it.

From there it was a climb to get back up to the metro station. The only other specific thing we wanted to see was the Cappella Sansevero. After a long, slow hike we made it and it was worth every step. The Cappella Sansevero is a tiny little church on a tiny little street in the middle of a maze of tiny, spooky streets in the middle of a crazy city. You'd walk right past the doorway if you didn't know what you were looking for.

The Cappella is known primarily for one thing: the Veiled Christ. It's a sculpture of Christ after he's been taken from the cross, laying on a bed with some pillows supporting his head, and covered in a sheet with the crown of thorns at his feet. It's absolutely astounding to look at it. It seems as though the marble is carved so thin that you're actually looking through it to the body beneath. You can see the veins (and holes) in Jesus' hands and feet, and see the puncture in his side as he lays serenely under the veil. It's incredible, and well worth the trouble to get there.

From there we wound our way through tiny streets until we got back to the metro station. I'm sure Annie's parents thought we were lost most of the time, and there were some pretty good hills to climb, but I think it gave all of us a better appreciation for Napoli and its inhabitants.

It was really nice to be back where I started my mission 14 years ago. It's been 12 years since I've been back to Napoli. I've been a little nervous to go back, but I think I've overcome that fear now. It's still crazy, but it still feels a bit like home.

After the long train ride back to Sorrento, we found a nice place to eat where I ate the same meal that I first ate my first day in Napoli. It was just as good today as it was back then. Then, of course, we topped it off with some gelato.

Now it's time for bed so we're all rested for the Amalfi Coast in the morning.

Travel Post III

2009-10-08T13:01:00.003-06:00

Well, we survived another day. After posting last night I chatted with the missionaries for a little bit, just catching up on developments in the mission. This morning we ran into a fourth set of missionaries in Florence. It was odd.

After chatting with the missionaries we ate some dinner at the same place we ate the first night in town. I had the Spaghetti alla Carbonara. It was really good.

After dinner, we decided to do some laundry. We were planning to do it tonight, but worried that we'd get in late and wouldn't be able to find the laundromat in time, and since we knew exactly where to find a laundromat in Florence and we had some free time we just did it there. It was a bit of an ordeal. The machine that gives tokens ate 5€, and from then on would only accept change (so I had to keep getting gelato to get change). The dryer didn't quite dry the clothes so we had to hang some out overnight. It's done though, and we smell like roses.

I loved Florence; it's a pretty city. The only thing I didn't care much for was the mosquitoes. They're everywhere! Not exaggerating at all, I have over 100 bites all over my body. It was too hot in the room to sleep with the window closed, and too hot to stay completely under the covers. As a result I have mosquito bites up and down both arms, all across my back (mostly the upper part) and on the lower half of my legs. On the plus side, we got to smash a whole bunch of blood-filled mosquitoes.

So this morning we packed up and headed out of Florence. We caught the 10:27 train, but of course the train was leaving from a different station so we had to sneak a ride on another train there. The train was full the whole way down; all five and a half hours. Then we had to switch to a regional train system (the Circumvesuviana) and it was absolutely miserable. At least on the other train we had a seat. On this one I was standing diagonally holding onto the pole to keep from tipping over. It only lasted an hour or so though.

Then we arrived in Sorrento and walked a little under a mile to the Bed and Breakfast where we're staying. The B&B made up for all the stress and trouble on the trains. The rooms are air conditioned, don't have mosquitoes, our TV is the size of our bathroom in our Paris hotel. There's everything we need here, including free internet access in the common room of the B&B. We had to pay for access in Florence.

I believe that our B&B in Rome will be very similar to this one. Good thing.

Oh, since getting in today we've just been getting our bearings. We did a little window shopping, ate some good seafood pasta down by the sea, and sat on a bench overlooking the Bay of Naples for a little while. It's been nice. Now we're getting ready for bed, and for sleeping in good tomorrow.

We've decided to scale back tomorrow's plan a bit. Instead of going to Pompeii, then the Museum in Napoli, we're just going to see Pompeii. That way we can leave a little later (that means sleep in) and have some time in the evening to relax. It also means we don't have to go into Napoli any more than we have to.

I loved Napoli as a missionary. It's a tough city to deal with; very hectic, very chaotic. And if I were here alone I probably wouldn't worry so much about it. But with other people that are Napoli street-wise it's best to limit our time there.

Anyway, hopefully my posts will be more frequent for the last half of the trip (yep, it's now half over). Ciao a tutti.

Travel Post II

2009-10-07T09:53:00.002-06:00

It's now Wednesday, I think. Was it just yesterday that I posted? Good enough.

I didn't do a very good job of writing about what we've been doing in Florence in the last post, so here goes:

When we got to town on Monday, we mostly just got our bearings. Looked around, did a little shopping, ate a lot of pizza and gelato (ice cream). We walked to a couple sights, but mostly by accident. It's hard to walk here without walking into something of significance. Oh, we also ate at a little Trattoria about 100 feet from the hotel for dinner. I had the gnocchi. It was really good. Not only was the food good, but it cost 1/3 what we were paying in Paris for similar food.

Yesterday morning we slept in pretty good and got started pretty late. That was by design, though. Entering a new country can be difficult. Everything changes (except the money now, fortunately). We got going around 11:00 or so and went to see the Davide statue (Michelangelo's). We didn't succeed. The line was a couple hours long and we decided we'd seen enough naked men for this trip. I offered to pose for Annie if she really felt cheated out of the experience.

Before that, though (are you still following this?) we stopped at the Medici Chapels. It's a church that has some pretty impressive chapels inside. Okay, really impressive. They didn't allow us to take any pictures (or even take in water bottles) but it was neat to see. Lots of statues of naked people. I think I'd have a hard time worshipping with naked statues all around me.

After that we went to the Duomo (D' = of, Uomo = Man, or church of man, for those of you playing at home). Annie and her dad and I climbed to the top of the dome. It was a fun little hike. It starts out with a square spiral staircase for the first couple hundred feet, but then when you get to the base of the dome it changes into a round spiral staircase for awhile. Then you weave back and forth in between the roof and the ceiling (there's just a small gap there that you can walk through), then climb a staircase that might as well be a ladder. Then you emerge from a spider hole (like the one Saddam was found in) out on top of the dome.

There are great views of the whole city from up there, and it was a pretty clear day. There are mountains (I'd put that in quotation marks if I could find how to type them) all around the city and it's really pretty.

After the Duomo we went to an ice cream place called Grom. It's not an Italian word; don't bother asking what it means. It was some tasty gelato. Really tasty.

After that we went to a lesser-known museum called the Bargello. There's nothing too exciting there except for Donatello's Davide, which I've heard sort of kicked off the renaissance. It was smaller than I'd pictured it, but most people seem smaller to me when I meet them. It was pretty neat to see, anyway.

From there we walked a bit farther East to the Chiesa di Santa Croce. Annie didn't believe me that it was named after Jim Croce's sister. Anyway, it was undergoing some restorations (but what here isn't?) but we were still able to see the tombs of Michelangelo and Galileo. Neither tomb is much to look at, but it was still pretty neat to be there.

After all that (it was a pretty long day) we went back to the hotel. Annie and I snuck out later to get some more Gelato and walk down by the river to the Ponte Vecchio (Old Bridge). It was nice. I'd do it again. In fact we might tonight.

This morning we woke up and took the train to Pisa. It felt good to be back on a real Italian train. We And it was really nice that we knew how to do it all, because there were many people there struggling to figure it out.

We walked to the Field of Miracles (where the tower is) and took pictures, paid to pee, and had a nice sit-down pizza lunch. It was some good pizza. Really good pizza. Still not as good as what we'll eat in Napoli, but not too bad. Then we walked back to the train station and got on a slow train back to Florence. It was only 20 minutes longer and we had most of a whole air-conditioned train car to ourselves.

Arriving back in Florence we bought our train tickets for tomorrow (10:27 to Napoli Centrale) and went to the Chiesa di Santa Maria Novella. Nothing too exciting there, but it's good to be able to say we've been to it. They didn't allow pictures though. It almost seems as though things don't exist if you're not allowed to take a picture of them. Maybe that's just me and my bad memory.

Since then we've been shopping, eating more gelato, internetting, and scoping out places to do our laundry tonight. We're quickly approaching the halfway point of the trip.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say about that. I'll write some more once we get to Sorrento tomorrow, or sometime. I won't promise any updates, and still have no way to share pictures. See you all soon.

Travel Post I

2009-10-06T09:20:00.002-06:00

Well, we survived Paris. It was crazy. Who would have guess that October was such a busy place there? (Please excuse any errors in my post; I'm using a foreign keyboard.) We got to see everything on our list, eat some good food (and some overpriced bad food) and made it out in one piece.

I guess I should mention the highlight of the trip so far: because Annie's dad worked for Delta for many years and still knew a number of people there, and because the plane was over-booked, we were able to get upgraded to first class. Yeah, it was as cool as it sounds. Sitting in my seat and putting my legs straight out in front of me, I still wasn't able to touch the seat in front of me. We had our own TVs with a large variety of on-demand movies, music, TV shows, games, etc. Our meal was served in three courses. Well, four if you count the extra dessert they gave us.

Our first night in Paris we went to the top of the Eiffel Tower. The only other time I was in Paris I opted not to ride to the top (there was a ridiculously long line). I'm glad we waited in the line this time. It was incredible to see. Our hotel was just around the corner (and down a couple blocks) so it wasn't too hard to get there and back. The jet lag was hitting us all pretty hard, though.

The second day we slept in pretty good (at that point, time didn't seem to matter much). Then we took the train to Versailles. It was incredible. We made it through the palace, through the crowds, and found peace in a McDonalds near the train station. Actually, the McDonalds was more crowded than the palace, but at least they had food.

After returning from Versailles we spent some time at Notre Dame, then Sainte Chapelle. Both beautiful. We still had a little energy so we took the metro up to the Arc de Triomphe and looked around. We opted not to climb to the stairs to the top. We decided that it would be a shame not to walk down the Champs Elysees a little bit. We ended up walking a bit farther than we'd hoped.

The third day (which was actually the fourth day counting from the day we left) was a little more laid back. We started at the Place de la Concorde (where all the beheadings took place) and walked through the Tuileries Gardens to the Louvre. I guess I expected the gardens to be more gardenish. They seemed really desertish, but they were pretty.

The Louvre was a madhouse. We'd decided to go on the free day, since it happened to occur while we were there. Everyone else in town had the same idea, though. I had to elbow more people out of the way that day than any other time. I used my elbows so much I started getting blisters.

(I understand that this is pretty dry reading. If you're still reading this, I applaud you. I'll try to repost all these posts with pictures when I'm able to sit at a computer with an SD port. For now, you're stuck with this.)

It seems like we did something else after the Louvre, but I can't seem to remember it now. I know we ended up wandering around a bit. Annie and I went back alone to Notre Dame and to walk along the river that night. That was nice. We had to wake up early the next day, though, for the plane ride to Florence.

The fourth day (which should be called the fifth day) we woke up early. I say early, but it's really the time I wake up for work every day (about 5:45). After the 3-transfer train ride across all of Paris on the way FROM the airport (there are a lot of stairs in subway stations) we decided to take an Airport Shuttle. We arranged it through the hotel the day before. The guy was there about 15 minutes early and we sped through little neighborhoods on one-way streets until we got to the freeway.

It was really impressive to see the guy drive. At one point we got stuck behind a group of garbage trucks on a narrow one-way street, so the driver drove backward about a quarter mile to get out to another street. It was a fun ride.

The flight was a big change from our first flight. We were cramped together with some big french guy with wide elbows. It wasn't as nice as first class, anyway. But we arrived and grabbed a taxi from the airport to the hotel (saving an hour of bus rides and walking by paying a couple extra dollars).

Florence has been great so far. I feel like I'm back home being in Italy. I speak French well enough to get by, but I speak Italian so much better that it's a big worry off my mind knowing that I can communicate. Italy's also a lot more laid back than France; at least more so than Paris. Here you can just walk around to walk around. You don't have to have a destination.

It's amazing how the language comes back, too. I just started speaking Italian when I got here. I've even been thinking in Italian. Last night I dreamed in Italian. It's strange. I haven't been in Italy for more than 10 years. It's been 12 years since I was a missionary here. And yet I feel like I'm speaking as well as I ever did. From time to time I'll forget a word, but I feel like a local.

We didn't hit any sights yesterday, we just got set up and ready for today. Today we've been all around. The highlight was climbing to the top of the Duomo's Dome. It's a tough climb, but we did it and loved it. It makes me excited to get back on top of St. Peter's Dome in Rome next week.

Anyway, I'll write more. Whether or not you read is up to you. But we're all doing fine and enjoying the trip. See you all in 11 days.

It's About Time

2009-09-22T17:01:00.003-06:00

Time's an interesting thing, isn't it? It can go fast one minute, slow the next. There are times when I've been watching the clock and was sure I saw it go backwards.

Time is given equally to everyone. Sure, some people may die earlier than others, some may live to be 120, but each minute that each of us has is the exact same amount of time that everyone else's minute is. We all have 24 hours in each day (except the people at NASA working with the Mars rovers; they have to work on a Mars day). What's amazing, though, is how differently different people can spend the same amount of time.

I like to look at various modes of transportation in relation to time. If I sit at work for 10 hours, I go nowhere. If I walk for 10 hours, I can go about 30 miles, or about from home to work. If I run for 10 hours (if I could run for 10 hours), I can go about 60 miles.

But if I get in a car and drive for 10 hours I can be pretty close to the ocean in California, or in the middle of nowhere in eastern Colorado. Ten hours in a plane can get me to Europe, having crossed about 1/3 of the planet's surface.

If I'm sitting in a car or a plane or my cubicle, I'm doing the same thing: just sitting there. Sure, I may get a drink from time to time, eat a meal, do some puzzles, but there's not much correlation between what I do and how far I travel. The only difference is the speed at which I'm traveling.

Speaking of time, I started this post almost two full weeks ago, but you wouldn't know that unless you read this line. I could have just picked up where I left off and you wouldn't have had any idea.

The downside of waiting two weeks to finish a post is that you forget about what it was you were planning to write. I do remember, however, that I was planning to include some of the lyrics to the song "Time" by Pink Floyd, but only because it's a good song. Oh, and because it's about time.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run. You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

I Have a Lot of Problems With You Hippies

2009-08-15T22:09:00.003-06:00

The word Hippie is a lot like the word Hobo. Just the mere uttering of the word causes me uncontrollable giggling. Hippies, as a group, are hard to define. Well, it's hard for me to define them, but Webster does okay (just think of this post as a sacrament meeting talk). A Hippie is "a usually young person who rejects the mores of established society and advocates a non-violent ethic." The first part of that sounds like every kid I've ever known, and the second part sounds like the kids in school who weren't very coordinated (and thus couldn't play sports).

The Urban Dictionary hits it a little closer: "A Hippie is a person who was raised under the ideological system that came out of the tumultuous 1960's in North America and western Europe. They are either of the flower-child/baby boomer generation or that generations' subsequent offspring. They possess a core belief set revolving around the values of peace and love as being essential in an increasingly globalized society, and they are oftentimes associated with non-violent anti-governmental groups."

With any group, of course, there are various subsets. Like with the LDS crowd; there are Utah Mormons (a strange bunch), non-Utah Mormons (generally level-headed), and Utah County Mormons (that scare the green Jell-O out of me.) I want to focus my comments today on the Hippie equivalent of Utah County Mormons: the Demented Environmentalist.

You know who I'm talking about. They're the ones that advocate using a single sheet of toilet paper per day (which is a great accomplishment considering what they typically eat). They're the ones that chain themselves to trees and protest in the streets naked for some reason (I know they're carrying signs, but I've never read one). The Demented Environmentalist hangs out at the organic supermarket with their hand-woven hemp shopping bags, with their only child Sagebrush following along behind barefoot.

For many years I thought that I despised Hippies, especially the demented ones. But then I came to realize that a lot of times people don't like a group of people because they see those same traits in themselves. A lot of the all-time greatest homophobes are closet homers themselves. I'm not saying that I'm a Hippie at heart (or a homer), but I do have to admit that I agree with a lot of things those nut-jobs say; I just vehemently disagree with the way they say it.

For example: Clean Air. Who's not a fan of clear blue skies? Who on Earth would complain if there were no smog? Isn't it a goal we could all get behind, especially if it only meant making slight changes in our lifestyles? I consolidate trips, I walk when I can, I carpool to work every day (and took the bus before the carpool). I don't mind doing those things. But what I do mind is that the nut-jobs out there say, "Hey everybody! All our carbon dioxide emissions are going up into the atmosphere and in ten years we'll all be dead because of it!"

Why not just leave it at: "Wouldn't you like cleaner air? Let's do a little to make our lives better." That's a goal that everyone can get behind.

Example 2: Protecting wilderness areas. I love technology. I love human expansion and innovation. I love owning a little piece of land to grow things on. I think that everyone should have the opportunity to have their own piece of land. I also think that we should leave some of the land wild and untouched (of course, I also believe that humans should be allowed to enter those areas and enjoy them).

I'm all in favor of protecting land from human encroachment and leaving native habitats intact. I think most people are in favor of it, don't you? What person out there is going to say that they want to level every piece of ground in the world and build on it? They'd be a wacko, wouldn't they? But instead of leaving it at, "Let's use the land we need, but preserve some land in its natural state" the Demented Environmentalists say, "Humans have no right to live anywhere. Humans are a parasite on the Earth and should be eliminated. Animals are more important than people."

Why on Earth do they have to go so far beyond what's reasonable? Why can't humans and animals co-exist on this planet? As I see it, there are two scenarios: 1) God created man and gave him dominion over all the Earth. In this scenario, man has a responsibility to protect and peacefully co-exist with nature. Scenario 2) Man and animals all derived from the same single-celled organism millions of years ago. In this scenario, man is as much a part of the eco-system as any other living thing, and should, like any other animal, do whatever necessary to ensure its survival. I believe that living in harmony with nature (not necessarily riding wild stallions bareback while living on berries in the woods) is most beneficial for mankind. Either way, man and non-man should live together in harmony.

The reason the Demented Environmentalist is so freakish can be found in the following quotations from selected DE's:

"I think the answer to that depends on where your audience's head is. In the United States of America, unfortunately we still live in a bubble of unreality. And the Category 5 denial is an enormous obstacle to any discussion of solutions. Nobody is interested in solutions if they don't think there's a problem. Given that starting point, I believe it is appropriate to have an over-representation of factual presentations on how dangerous it is, as a predicate for opening up the audience to listen to what the solutions are..." - The DE King, Al Gore.

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed — and hence clamorous to be led to safety — by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." - Henry Louis Mencken

And of course Joseph Goebbels, Nazi Propaganda Minister: "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

It's not about the truth. It's not about what's right and what's wrong. It's not about accuracy. It's about power. If you can scare someone enough, they'll do whatever you want them to do. It's like in horror movies where the scantily-clad sorority girl is at the point where she can't handle anymore and the guy that's really the killer is there and offers to walk her home. She's not thinking clearly, she's scared stiff. The rest of us can see that he's the killer because we're not as scared as her. If you scare the people enough, they'll follow you anywhere.

So I continue to take my reusable shopping bags into the store (they've determined that they actually take more energy to produce than the equivalent in plastic bags, but at least they don't take up landfill space), I'll keep carpooling and consolidating my errands around town. I'll use fluorescent lightbulbs wherever it makes sense, and absolutely refuse to pour my used engine oil down the drain.

But I don't do these things because I'm afraid the world will blow up, or that the ocean levels will rise, or that more hurricanes will magically occur because I used hairspray. I do these things because they make sense to me on a personal level. I'm not out to change the world, I'm not trying to make a statement, and if something costs more than any benefit, real or perceived, I may derive from it, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon just to be Green (hybrids fall deeply into that category).

I'm not the kind of guy to fall for hype (sorry, Al), and artificial deadlines really make me question peoples' motivation (Healthcare, anyone?). But I really think the Demented Environmentalists would get a lot more people on board if they'd just be realistic and try to make positive changes for our world rather than trying to seek power, fortune, and fame for themselves.

Now where are the steps down from this soapbox?

Long Time

2009-08-14T09:49:00.002-06:00

So I'm a little embarrassed that it's been a month since I updated (and my last few posts were hardly worth reading anyway). I've actually tried to write a few times, but just can't finish anything coherent. I'd like to blame it on a lack of free time, and there's probably some truth to that, but it's mostly because I just can't think of anything to say.

Recently I've found that Facebook works a little bit better for me because I only have to come up with a line at a time. A blog post requires a lot of lines. But it's hard to write anything of any meaning on Facebook, too. Not that this post will have any meaning, but it will at least make my blog's front page look different.

Random happenings:

I ran my first 5k last weekend. It was at the Midvale Harvest Days (in Midvale). I was pretty nervous before it started because I've only run over 3 miles a handful of times. But I ran the whole race and finished with a much faster time than I thought I would (35:24).
We're making the final preparations for our trip to Italy in October. I've been planning out and mapping our daily itinerary. We're going to fly into Paris (I know, that's not in Italy) and spend 3 nights, then fly down to Florence (it's cheaper to fly than to take the train) for 3 nights. Then we'll head down to Sorrento for 4 nights, and then stay in Rome for the last 4. It's been 10 years since I've been there and I'm really excited to get back.
I started doing Yoga at the gym about a month ago, and I'm really starting to enjoy it. I know it seems pretty girly and all that, but I've noticed more improvement in my fitness level since starting yoga than in the prior 6 months at the gym. I'm not saying that there's anything magical about it, but it helps to change things up a bit from time to time, and yoga is a much better workout than you'd expect.

I keep looking around the room trying to find reminders of what else is going on in my life, but I can't see anything, and can't think of anything. I'm sure there's more to my life than that, but it's still too early in the morning to be expected to come up with anything.

Maybe today would be a good time to change my blog template...

Literally

2009-07-15T22:00:00.003-06:00

If you haven't seen any of these, you really should take a look. I'm probably years late to the party, but there are various people around the world making "Literal Music Videos". They use the original music video, but change the lyrics to describe what's going on in the video. Some are hilarious, some are pretty lame. Some have questionable language, (watch at your own risk. Sorry), but there are some real gems.

The first:

Another great one:

Even the Monkees:

U2, too:

If you didn't get enough with these, do a search for "Literal Music Videos" on YouTube, or click here.

A Little Out of Focus

2009-06-20T22:31:00.003-06:00

This picture's a little out of focus, but pretty clever. And that's exactly how I've felt the last couple weeks; just a little out of focus, but still pretty clever. I've thought of a dozen different things to blog about, and have even written a few posts, but haven't finished any of them because I can't think of how to end them.

For some reason it's been really hard to stay focused on anything since the assessment season ended at work. I can think of millions of things I want to start working on, or doing, or participating in, but just can't focus on any one thing long enough to actually do anything about it.

On the list of things to pursue:

Get my hunter's safety certification so that, if I ever choose to go shoot things other than cans, I can do so. (I'm not worried about actually being safe, but about being able to get an actual license to kill things.)
Get an amateur radio operator's license. I've heard it's pretty easy to do. You don't even have to learn Morse Code anymore (but I know it pretty well anyway). I just have to actually get out and do it.
Plan out where to go and what to see on our upcoming trip to Italy. I have various thoughts floating around in my head, but haven't written anything down. The normal me would have already made a spreadsheet showing when each site is open, the cost, what bus lines reach them, etc. I've sort of started a list.
Plant a couple letterboxes around Tooele. I even know where I want to plant them, I just can't focus long enough to go out and do it.
Finish painting the fence. I have a pretty good excuse for this one, though. It's been raining so much lately that I haven't had an opportunity. But I'm sure that I won't do it even when I get an opportunity.
Evict the birds living in our barbecue grill.
Start working on various projects at work. There's plenty to do, and not much time to do it, but I can't quite seem to get motivated to start into some of the projects I need to do. Well, I'm not getting much support from above anyway.
Get off the couch and go to bed. Maybe I'll accomplish this one.

Things Marvellous to Behold

2009-05-30T11:22:00.002-06:00

The adventurers have returned, and we saw quite a few incredible things. In addition to the largest potato in the world and the Idaho Falls Temple, we added two more temples to our list off temples we've visited: The Rexburg temple (not pictured, even though it's really pretty), and the Billings temple (pictured below). Unfortunately, the Billings Temple was closed for cleaning. We're still hoping nobody called the police when we climbed up on the fence to take this picture.

Among the other wonders we witnessed was a horse made entirely out of chain. Pretty impressive. We also saw some Clydesdale horses that could have kicked this chain horse's butt. Seriously, they're huge.

We also went to the top of Pompey's Pillar. For those of you who haven't heard of it (like us a week ago), Lewis and Clark climbed to the top of this big rock to get a good view of the area. They probably climbed on top of a lot of rocks, but what makes this one unique is that Clark signed his name into this one, and the signature still exists today. And there really is a great view from the top of the rock. (Pompey's Pillar is the one behind me, not the one I'm standing on).We also found the one place in southeastern Wyoming worth taking a picture:
And, after all that adventuring, you can imagine my exhaustion.

Highlights So Far

2009-05-25T00:00:00.002-06:00

The view from our Idaho Falls hotel room.

"Big Mike" at the Museum of the Rockies in Bozeman, Montana.
And the highlight of our time in Idaho: the biggest baked potato in the whole world!More to come...

It's Inevitable

2009-05-20T23:50:00.002-06:00

Leave a picture up at work long enough in a quiet location and the black pens come out...The blacked-out tooth is pretty predictable.

The little girl's booger is easy to do.

The mustache is always a classic (although a handlebar mustache seems to be the norm).

Tears are always fun to draw.

Making women look like football players = classic.

Cat whiskers; I haven't seen cat whiskers in a long time.

The eye-out-of-socket is pretty hard to pull off.

The eye patch can be used to cover up mistakes made when trying to pull off the eye-out-of-socket.

What's your favorite way to deface a picture?

Hearing Today

2009-05-19T08:42:00.001-06:00

That's right; I have a hearing today. It should be a blast. I've always wondered, though, would a deaf person have to call it a "seeing"?

Forchettaboutit.

2009-05-11T12:21:00.004-06:00

If you had to choose just one utensil to use for the rest of your life, which one would it be? A fork, spoon, or knife?
There are valid reasons to choose each one of them. Let's start with the fork:

I would consider the fork to be the most used piece of silverware in the drawer. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is the stigma associated with someone who isn't able to handle eating with a fork (think Dirty Rotten Scoundrels).

Forks are generally associated with "Man Food", and I'm not talking Manwich (which would be hard to eat with a fork). With a fork, you can cut the food, mash the food, stab the food, or manipulate the food in any way you'd like. A fork lets you take charge of what you eat, to kill it if it's not already dead. That's what a fork does.

With a fork, there's very little you can't eat. You can eat beef, pork, chicken, lamb, snake, or pretty much any other meat. You can eat potatoes, tomatoes, radishes, celery, lettuce, corn, beans, and peas. Pretty versatile, eh?

The only real limitation that a fork has is soup. You can still eat the chunks out of soup (and isn't that why you eat soup anyway?) but you can't get the broth, which is pretty good, too. You can always just drink the soup, though, if it's too runny to be eaten with a fork.

The Spoon.

Spoons are a little more tricky. They can help you eat pretty much all the same things, but don't allow you to stab anything. That means that all your food has to be cut up into small pieces that will fit on a spoon. You know, like how you cut up your kids' food because they can't be trusted not to poke their eye out with a fork. (For purposes of this post I'm assuming that your food could be prepared with whatever utensil necessary, but you'd be limited to one utensil at the table. That seems like a reasonable assumption.)

Of course, spoons make eating soup a lot easier, unless you're eating chicken noodle soup. But, really, how are you supposed to eat chicken noodle soup anyway? You almost have to use a fork or the noodles fall right off your spoon. Maybe someone should develop an entirely unique utensil for eating chicken noodle soup. How about it, science?

Spoons are great for eating melons, too. They allow you to eat the juicy goodness of the melon without getting melon juice on your cheeks and forehead (you eat it how you want, I'll eat it how I want). But, then again, a fork works pretty well for watermelon, but I'd have to give the "melon edge" to the spoon.

The Knife

In my world, it's an option. You'd be surprised how much you can eat with a knife. Peas, for instance (this was supposed to include a link to Homer Simpson eating peas with a knife, but I couldn't find one. Use your imagination). Butter would be another food item that you could eat easily with a knife. Hummus, jelly (in all its varieties), peanut butter, uhh... Lots of things. Plus, if that's all you had, you'd probably find a way to eat everything you like to eat with a knife.

So which utensil wins? It depends on who you are. If you're a soup lover, you'll probably want to stick with the spoon (and stay away from Chicken Noodle Soup). If you like meat, a fork is probably going to be your utensil of choice (as long as it comes pre-cut. Or, as an alternative, you could pair up with someone who chose the knife!) If you really enjoy peas and spreads of every kind, go with the knife.

Which utensil is my favorite? Chopsticks.

With chopsticks you can pick up individual pieces of food and put them right in your mouth! It's like using your fingers, but your fingers don't get dirty or burned! They're great! Oh, didn't I give you that option? My bad.

An additional benefit of chopsticks is that you don't have to smelt metal ore create them. If you were trapped on an island somewhere you could make chopsticks pretty easily, as long as you could find a tree. I once whittled chopsticks out of a boat I was trying to whittle. It would be much harder to make your own spoon, and harder still to make a fork.

The only thing that would make chopsticks better is what I call "Super Chopsticks". They're just like ordinary chopsticks, except there's a spoon on the top end of one of them, and a fork on the top end of the other. Oh, and the outside edge of one of spoon-ended chopstick is a knife. That's what I pick. I want the "Super Chopsticks"

A Summary

2009-05-07T13:26:00.002-06:00

I've just created a summary of the words most used on my blog with the help of www.Wordle.Net You should check it out and see what it can do for you!

The All Mighty

2009-05-02T17:36:00.001-06:00

Who needs to go to church when you can find the All Mighty in the store?
Now with time released freshness!

Shockman

2009-04-26T09:47:00.003-06:00

I love descriptive warning signs. They're so much more interesting than just a sign that says, "Hey, be careful." My favorites are the ones that show a hand with the fingers detached or mangled. I found this other gem last night:

It makes it seem like the electricity is an actual, evil being seeking out victims and killing them. Well, shocking, burning, or killing them, according to the warning label. It's like an introduction to a supervillain: "Meet Shockman! Created when a transformer explosion mutated him into an amorphous electrical blob. He roams around shocking, burning, and causing death. Will ever be able to stop him?"

Anyway, if you see him, try to steer clear.

Smiles

2009-04-23T07:59:00.002-06:00

This is a picture from a poster hanging up all over our building. It's probably all over other state offices. I didn't pay much attention to the information it's actually trying to convey. I was too distracted by the people in the photo.

The first thing that just seems wrong is the guy's smile. What's he smiling about? What's going on inside his head? I know he's just posing for the picture and all, but it sure seems like a strange, creepy smile to me.

It gets even more strange, though: the woman's smile doesn't seem the same as the man's, like they're smiling for completely unrelated reasons.

And the little boy is laughing way too hard compared to the others. It's almost like somebody told a joke and only the little boy understood it, and the grown-ups are still trying to figure it out. It was probably a joke about chickens.

I don't know what it is about the picture that seems wrong; I can't quite put my finger on it. But the more I stare at it, the more it just seems odd. Does it seem odd to anyone else?

Baby Chickens For Sale

2009-04-20T14:28:00.002-06:00

Must be baby chickens. Cheep cheep.

Less Carbs

2009-04-14T21:44:00.004-06:00

If you can tell what's wrong with the title, this post isn't for you. Not that it's really for anyone. I'm just ranting about one of the most serious problems afflicting our nation.

Okay, so that's a bit of an over-statement. In a normal year, though, if the government wasn't shifting rapidly into a big-brother style communist dictatorship, it would definitely be one of the top problems we'd be dealing with.

The problem I'm talking about is people using the word "less" when they really mean to use "fewer". From the Grammar Girl website, "The basic rule is that you use less with mass nouns and fewer with count nouns."

What that means, in a nutshell, is that when you're talking about anything you can count (e.g. pens, pencils, dollar bills, calories, CARBS) you use fewer. When you're talking about anything you can't count (e.g. sugar, air, love) you use less. Pretty simple, right?

So, if it's so simple, why can't any advertisers get it right? Why are my ears assaulted every day with company after company advertising that their product contains "less carbs" or "less calories"?

I don't know. Maybe they have fewer intelligence than they used to.

Pointy

2009-04-09T17:44:00.002-06:00

New addition to the restroom at work. I guess it's for the guys that can't make it through the day without shooting up. Which I guess is most of us...

And while I'm on the subject of work, there's a building going up right next to mine. Each state building has its own acronym. This one is "MASGOB". You've gotta love the geniuses that come up with these names.

Anatomically Correct Chilis

2009-04-03T23:21:00.002-06:00

I'm a big fan of local restaurants supporting the community that they're in with artwork and stuff related to local sports teams, etc. I enjoy seeing that they're trying to be involved with the community and it gives the place a good feel.

That being said, this picture at the West Valley Chili's restaurant sort of creeped me out:
It's two pepper people playing hockey. The creepy part is that they're a little too human. Their legs are human legs, right down to the hair. Apparently they don't make hockey jerseys that cover pepper-shaped people. I sure wish they did.

I Am What I Ate

2009-04-01T22:31:00.003-06:00

I remember a time, years ago, when I was afraid to buy Fat Boy Ice Cream Sandwiches. I always thought that as people saw me carrying them through the store, they'd think of the saying, "You are what you eat", and they'd think I was a fat boy. The ironic thing is that I was pretty thin back then.

I've also always been nervous to purchase low-fat or "light" items because people might think to themselves, "He must be fat because he's trying to lose weight." That's why I didn't switch to diet soda for a long time. But since the time that I decided that my health was more important than people's perceptions of me, I've changed a lot of my eating habits. No more second breakfast in the morning. No more midnight snacks (I try to squeeze them in by 11). I keep track of what I eat and only eat when I'm hungry.

I no longer order the largest thing on the menu. I stop eating when I get full, even if it means throwing the remainder of my meal away. I don't snack all day at work anymore. I drink water at restaurants. I've even eaten an occasional salad--and enjoyed it.

And for all my diet changes and increased workouts at the gym, here's the result:

Now, a 292.3 may not mean a lot by itself, but when you realize that that same scale was saying 319 just over a year ago, it puts it in perspective. Not that the 292.3 is a regular occurance--I'm typically in the 295 range lately--but that's the first time I've seen a number that low in over 4 years.

Before you say that I should be losing a lot more weight than that, let me just say that I'm not really trying to lose weight. I'm trying to be healthy. I'm doing it a little at a time as my mind and body are able to accept it. I'm not jumping right in to a diet and exercise program with the intent to lose 100 pounds in 6 months. I'm making small changes to the way I live my life to transform my bad habits into good habits.

So many people diet starting on a certain day and then just give up the whole thing the first time they mess up. I'm not dieting; I'm changing things one at a time to make myself better. If I mess up one day, it doesn't matter; I'll just pick up where I left off the next day.

I'm not anywhere near my goal weight (the government says I should weight 185 to be "healthy", but I would die of malnutrition if I ever weighed that little. My own personal idea of an ideal weight is right around 250) but I'm heading in the right direction. Even if my progress is slow, as long I keep heading this direction I should be just fine.

I Blame China

2009-03-26T21:01:00.003-06:00

I recently had my weight measured by a professional. It turns out I'm obese, at least by the government's standards. I'm not saying that I couldn't stand to lose a couple pounds, or fifty, but there are some mitigating factors involved in the calculation of obesity. I could make this post about all the reasons that the government's standards are wrong (BMI calculation being inaccurate at heights above 6'; changing standards of the definition of obesity, etc.) but I'd rather talk about how I got here.

I put most of the blame on the Chinese. You heard me. It's all their fault. How many times were we told as kids to eat everything on our plate because there were children starving in China? I developed such compassion for the Chinese people growing up that I still can't even be rude to them. I ate every bite of every meal (except the onions) to somehow keep them from starving.

There was a recent news report here that the Chinese children are tired of our leftovers, and I don't blame them a bit.

To this day I still have a hard time leaving food on my plate. As restaurants have increased their portions, my waistline has increased with them because I've been conditioned since birth to lick my plate clean.

There's another reason for the obesity epidemic in this country: the Food Pyramid.

If you add up the total number of servings that are recommended and multiply it by the number of calories in each serving, I'm surprised we don't all look like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You can see from this graph of obesity in America that since the food pyramid was introduced in 1992 there has been a steady increase in obesity rates.

I guess there's enough blame to go around: the government, China, the Egyptians (for the pyramid part), and even a little blame left for me for trying to adhere to the food pyramid.

Spacing

2009-03-15T23:17:00.002-06:00

Misty brought up a good point in her comment on my last post (thanks for all the comments, by the way. Who would have thought seven people would have commented on a post about urinals?) She mentioned that picking a urinal is partially about spacing, and that the idea of spacing is pervasive throughout our society.

Spacing is very dependent on where we are and what we're doing. If you're standing in line at the grocery store, it's okay to be standing a foot or two behind the person in front of you. If, however, you're in a restroom, it's a little creepy to stand directly behind someone. Try it; you'll get looks.

In Italy, where they've never heard of the concept of a "line", your body position is extremely important. If you stand in line directly behind someone, you're just asking for someone to step in front of you. If, however, you're slightly out of line--just a half step--, but you're turned in toward the line (so you can plausibly pretend not to see someone trying to sneak in from the side (if you make eye contact, they take that as permission to step in front of you)), you can keep everyone in line (no pun intended. Okay, so maybe I intended it a little.)

Standing in an elevator is another area known for awkward spacing. Typically, the riders of an elevator crowd around the outside edges of the 'vator. And, oddly, everyone faces the door. And--I've never seen what's so fascinating--they stare at it. Sometimes they'll look up at the floor indicator, but only when they hear a ding.

If there are more people than can comfortably fit around the edges (like if somebody runs to catch the elevator as the door's closing and sticks his arm through, then realizes that the 'vator's full, but he gets in anyway because he already made everybody wait), then people have to stand in the middle, a very uncomfortable place to be. Of course, they have to face the door (and stare at it (maybe they can see what's so interesting, being a little closer)), but no everyone else has something to look at besides the door.

But, even with someone in front of you to look at, you can't stare because other people might see you looking in between their own looks.

Everyone has their own idea of what an appropriate space is between them and the rest of the world. Some people will get on a "full" elevator, making everyone squeeze closer together. Some people will wait hours for an empty elevator to arrive.

Everyone's idea of what's too close and what's not may change based on the situation, or the other people involved in the situation. Sitting on the couch comes to mind. Two guys can't sit next to each other on a couch--not without a man-buffer pillow. If there are three people on a 3-bum couch, you can bet there's a girl sitting in the middle (or two man-buffer pillows). Without the girl (the true man buffer) or the pillows (the artificial man buffers) no two guys will sit next to each other.

If two people are sitting on a 3-bum couch, chances are they're sitting at opposite ends, unless they also sleep in the same bed (the exception, of course, is when someone from one of the ends stands up, but within mere moments the center person will move over, or he'll miss his chance as someone else fills the void). I still don't understand that rare breed of person that, when given a choice of any position on a couch (knowing that other people will be sitting there too), sits on the center cushion. Maybe they're the same people that pick the center square first in tic-tac-toe.

A 2-bum couch is a different story; there's no way to stay separated from the other inhabitant. A man-buffer pillow is essential. If a man came in from a 20-mile run and his legs were unable to hold his body up, he would continue to stand rather than sit next to another man on a 2-bum couch, assuming there were no man-buffers. The man already seated on the couch could even offer his seat, but the running man wouldn't take it, insisting that he enjoys standing and would feel awkward sitting.

The grocery store (okay, any store) is another interesting place to study the spacing between people. There's always that person standing in the aisle, looking for canned asparagus, with her cart partially blocking the garbanzo beans (products have been made up to make this lame scenario more interesting) that you want. Sure, you could physically reach the beans, probably without even touching her cart. But if you reached for them she'd either think you're trying to steal the low-fat tortillas from her cart, or feel really bad that she was blocking you unwittingly.

What most people do in that situation is say, "Excuse me". Some say it in a polite tone, like my wife does, and some say it with a more arrogant air (not like me; I pretend to be looking at canned tomatoes until she moves. It works well, except those times when she's pretending to look at canned asparagus waiting for me to move away from the tomatoes.)

I could go on, but Annie's telling me it's time to sleep. And, since I'd like to maintain the close spacing we currently enjoy, I'll agree with her. But, as homework, think of all the places where spacing is important to you: movie theaters, car repair shops, DMV lines. Wherever.

Urinal Paradise

2009-03-12T08:58:00.005-06:00

I've noticed that most of my good blog post ideas come to me while I'm in the bathroom. Unfortunately, that means that a disproportionate number of posts are about bathrooms or bathroom-related things. This one is no exception.

Has anyone else noticed the trend in the past few years where new urinals are getting smaller and smaller? It's very unfortunate. It's getting harder and harder to hit the target.

So I was very relieved (no pun intended) to see that some Costco stores still have the full-length urinals in their stores (not for sale, but in the restrooms). It's nice to know that in this crazy world there are still some places you can go and not have to worry about downsizing.

Another disturbing urinal-related trend is the change to waterless urinals. I've seen them pop up in a few places and they're a little freaky. For one thing, they're all really small. There aren't full-length waterless urinals.

For another, it doesn't feel like they're connected to the plumbing system because there's no water coming into them. You almost wonder if it's just hanging there as a joke; something that somebody stuck to the wall to see how many people they could trick into using it.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, without the wet film on the sides of the urinal, it's much harder to prevent splashing.

Don't get me wrong, though, I'm all for "green" technologies if they make sense. If we can have waterless urinals for the same cost as watery urinals, I'm all for it. But could we maybe make them an easier target?

While we're on the subject of urinals, has everyone had the opportunity to take the Urinal Test? Take it by clicking here, then let me know how you do. I'm assuming the men in the audience will score much higher than the women.

The Urinal Game

Odds, Ends, and Evens

2009-03-02T16:03:00.002-07:00

Just a few random cell-phone camera observations from the last couple weeks.

This is a sign at a mall in California:

If the writing's too small, or you just don't want to look that close, it says, "We hem your pants while you shop." I'm not sure about anyone else, but I like to keep my pants on while I shop. And definitely don't want someone crawling around after me with pins and needles.

I think this next picture was from our very own hometown Macey's. I just think they could come up with a better name, that's all.

And finally, I've noticed a trend in clothing stores over the last few years. I'm not sure if it's all related to the economy tanking or not, but stores don't seem to be keeping the heat up as high as they used to.

Excitement?

2009-02-28T22:56:00.003-07:00

For years I've been working on keeping my face from showing emotion. I don't like it when people know how I feel unless I tell them how I feel. I don't like giving any information up without my consent.

So I was really disappointed when I was looking over our pictures from Disneyland and came across this series of 4 self-portraits as we were waiting in line to ride the teacups.

I start out with my normal face. Just the trace of a smile, and the squinty eyes that make people think I'm peering into their soul.
Then I start showing some teeth. Normally when I show teeth it's to scare aware predators and is usually accompanied by growling. Not this time. I think it was actually the beginnings of excitement.

Still trying to maintain composure, but my excitement is bursting through. Normally, I'd punch anyone making the face that I'm making in this picture. If I'd seen myself at the time, I probably would have slammed my head against a tree to prevent others from thinking I was having a good time.

This last picture, right before we get on the ride, scares me. Nobody should look that happy. It's sort of like when somebody has their zipper down; somebody should have told me my emotions were showing so I could conceal them.

It was certainly a fun ride, but I'm not sure that it was worth all that smiling.

Oh, I'd like to point out that Annie looks exactly the same in each photo.

Lemon

2009-02-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered what his middle name was...

Found Jesus Again!

2009-02-16T14:39:00.004-07:00

This time he was in Huntington Beach. He seems to hang out with a guy named Jim a lot.

I Found Jesus

2009-02-16T10:57:00.002-07:00

I found Jesus in Barstow California. At least his calling card.

Modern Hobo Code

2009-02-12T13:05:00.002-07:00

Devoted readers of my blog will remember one of my favorite websites: Cockeyed.com

It's run by a guy named Rob Cockerham and we share a warped sense of humor. The site is worth checking out.

One thing in particular that I thought was exceptionally funny is his Modern Hobo Code that he's developed. First of all, the word "Hobo" is hilarious even without anything attached to it. And I'm a huge fan of codes and symbols and stuff like that. Plus, it's just plain funny.

The symbols are purportedly how one hobo will warn other hobos of danger or clue them into good things that they might be looking for. Here is a sneak peak:

Well-Stocked Bathroom

Dumpster Treasure

That's all you get here. You'll have to check out the rest of the Modern Hobo Code here. If you like that, you'll probably also like his Halloween Candy Code.

P4 F82

2009-02-10T15:43:00.002-07:00

Good news. We're now the proud planters of 4 letterboxes (that's what the P4 means). Can you believe it?

On Friday I loaded up some boxes and headed out on the road. I've wanted to plant a couple letterboxes on the southern shore of the Great Salt Lake. It's a pretty area, and doesn't get appreciated enough, if you ask me.

So I went driving around looking for good hiding places. The first one is about 1/3 mile out on a raised pathway right out in the middle of the lake. Okay, so 1/3 mile from shore isn't quite the middle, but it seems like it. When you get out there, you're surrounded by water except for the narrow strip of land behind you. It's a pretty area. The letterbox is named: "Great Salt Lake Series: Islands" and can be found by clicking here. The box itself is concealed behind some cement slabs, marked particularly by that red one in the picture.

The second box is a bit farther west, near Black Rock (the big rock you see where UT-201 meets up with I-80). From the location of the box, there's a great view of Black Rock and of the sunset to the West (naturally) over the lake. The letterbox is named: "Great Salt Lake Series: Black Rock" (original, I know) and the clue can be found here.

My only fear is that the lake level will rise too high for people to get out to them. They should be alright. Maybe if the water gets up too high I could ask them to start those pumps up again.

Travorny

2009-02-07T16:02:00.003-07:00

So I made a big mistake today at the gym while I was walking on the treadmill. No, I didn't watch the food network and get really hungry and go out for a big lunch afterward. I didn't want the news and freak out about the $940 Billion in pork projects that the democrats are pushing through.

I didn't do any of those things, but did something much, much worse. I watched Rick Steves. I've tried so hard for years to avoid watching travel shows, and I've been doing really well. But I slipped off the wagon today and enjoyed watching Rick travel around the Dordogne region of France.

I never knew that such a beautiful place existed, but now I desperately need to go see it. The only way I can describe this feeling is being "Travorny", or "Travel Horny". It's such a weird feeling. It's like feeling homesick even though I'm at home (not technically, but in theory). I used to call this condition "Romesickness", but that really only applies to Rome, or to Italy in a more general sense. So, while speaking of having the feeling for other areas, I have to say that I'm Travorny.

There's no real cure for this condition, short of traveling all over the world. Hopefully I'll be able to cure the condition in the next couple years, or I'll start suffering from Travue Tralls.

Shirtless Working

2009-02-03T07:31:00.002-07:00

Strange title, I know, but it's going to be a strange post.

As I was riding the elevator up to my desk today, I unzipped my coat. And as I was unzipping my coat, I wondered, "Am I wearing a shirt today?"

If you're wondering, yes I was (I was even if you weren't wondering), but it made me think back to all the times I've dreamed that I showed up to work or school without clothes on. Or at least dreamed about showing up without clothes on.

It's strange, isn't it? I mean, I've been an adult for at least 5 years now, and I still dream sometimes about showing up somewhere (usually school) without pants or a shirt. Sometimes without shoes, but that's not as big a deal.

Fortunately, every time I've arrived at work and been missing an article of clothing, I've woken up a few minutes later. But sometimes things will happen while at work that can be just embarassing.

The worst (okay, so it's not really the worst, but it was the first to pop into my head) is when you have a fabric softener sheet stuck to the inside of your shirt, especially if it's near the sleeve. You feel funny all day long, and smell spring fresh (which gets old after awhile). You start daydreaming of that stupid white teddybear and constantly grab at your arm to try to straighten your sleeve. It's annoying, but perhaps not embarassing.

The worst (okay, still maybe not the worst, but pretty bad) is when you sprout a hole in your sock. Faithful readers of my blog may remember the hole that opened up on my foot a couple years ago. You know, the one big enough that navy destroyers could get lost in it. That's pretty annoying, too.

The absolute worst (getting there) is when you rip the buttons off your shirt. Just another reason to not wear shirts with buttons, if you ask me. Once at Costco, while getting off the forklift, my shirt got caught on the lever and it ripped all but the top two buttons off and they scattered all over the loading dock. I could only find two of them. It's pretty embarassing to walk around holding your shirt closed around your body.

Even worse is when your belt breaks. It usually happens around the buckle. In the past I've had to hold my pants up with rope or paper clips. Then I decided to spend a little money and buy a belt that won't break. Best $100 I ever spent.

Even worse than that is when your pants rip. Yep. It may be the absolute worst thing that can happen. The only question about it is this: Is it better to know that your pants are ripped and worry about it all day, or is it better to not know and just find out about it that night when you get home. On the one hand, you worry all day long (or, if you're smart, you go home and change). The other way, maybe you end up mooning hundreds of people, but you only have a few moments of shame as the whole day passes quickly in front of your eyes, and all those funny comments people made all day suddenly make sense.

It's sort of like when your zipper's down (though this isn't nearly as bad as a pant rip). Do you want the embarassment of someone (sometimes a stranger) telling you your zipper's down, or do you prefer to just find out about it the next time you go to the bathroom. If someone tells you, you know that at least one person saw, but if you find out about it yourself, you're not sure if anyone saw or not. Maybe they didn't... Maybe they took pictures that will be posted on the break room fridge.

I guess the bottom line is that I'm wearing a shirt today. Although, secretly, I wish I wasn't so that there would at least be a chance that I'm really still in bed, minutes from waking up...

Go Aggies!

2009-01-26T17:38:00.003-07:00

Am I a slacker or what? It's been a long time since I posted. It's been an even longer time since I've posted anything with any meaning. Don't expect that to change too soon, though.

Just an update on what's going on: I currently out of town for business. Not far out of town, and not too heavy on the business. Every winter we have a conference in Logan (I can't figure out the timing, either). It's always a pretty good week. Good classes, good food, etc. This is the first year, though, that I would have been glad to miss it. It's tough leaving Annie home alone, even if it's only 150 miles away.

In related news, I just bought a USU game day shirt to work out in. I'm hoping that people just though I was a student and not some old, weird guy hanging out in their gym. It might have helped to take the tag off the shirt.

Not much else going on, really. Just sitting here in the hotel lobby waiting for the bus to take us to dinner. Looks like it just arrived.

I'll try to be more informative in my next post. Until then, this is all you get.

Letterboxing 101

2009-01-08T17:16:00.003-07:00

See how I did that? This is post #101, and so I used that number to give a basic tutorial on Letterboxing. Clever, eh? (I've been waiting 30 posts to do this.)

Now, I hate to write about things that only interest me and a select few other people. But, in an attempt to make all of my readers (both of them) interested in the things I'm interested in (so I can write about them without feeling bad), I've decided to walk you through the process of letterboxing.

What you need: Very little. Here's a list of everything you need to get started:

Internet access (if you're reading this, you've already got it)
A pen (if you need one, swipe one from your cashier the next time you go to Costco)
A Logbook - An empty notebook or journal (I guess it doesn't even have to be empty, but the stamps look better if they don't have words underneath them). A book without lines on the pages works best.
A Signature Stamp - This can be a little trickier, but it doesn't have to be. You can use any stamp to start out, and over time you'll get a better feel for what you want your own personal stamp to be. You can use stamps from your scrapbooking supplies, or just ink up your fingers and make designs. If you really can't come up with anything, just draw a little picture.
An Ink Pad - Helpful, but not always necessary. Well, okay, fine, in Utah it's pretty much necessary. The pads dry out too fast here, so it's best to carry one with you. You can get them at a craft store for $2 or so.
A Sense of Adventure - Okay, you don't really need this, but it helps.

Start your search by checking out www.letterboxing.org or www.atlasquest.com to find clues. Do a search for your area. On Letterboxing.org things are divided up by state, region, and county. On AtlasQuest, you can do a variety of searches, including searching along interstate highways.

Select a letterbox from the list and look at the information about it. I'll refer to AtlasQuest because it provides the most information. You should see a page like the following:

The name of the letterbox is at the top, followed by a few pictures. Those pictures help you easily identify the characteristics of the box. The hand means that there's a hand-carved stamp, the little girl means that a kid can figure out the clue. This box is a pet-friendly, bike-friendly, drive-by urban letterbox, according to the pictures.

In the box at the bottom you can see when the box was last found. If it's been awhile, you might not want to go too far out of your way to find it. You can click on "Show Finds" to see the entire history of everyone who has found the box.

Click the "Click here for clue" to get the clue. It will look something like this:

Follow the directions to the starting place. Some boxes are more mysterious and you have to figure out clues to know where to start; some have puzzles that have to be solved; and some just tell you exactly where to go.

When you get to the starting point, follow the clues.

After you find the box, stamp YOUR stamp into the little book you'll find in the box. Stamp the stamp from the box into YOUR logbook. Write a little note in the little book in the box, and write the name of the box nexst to the stamp in your book. Maybe even write a short note about how much fun you had finding it.

Rinse and repeat.

100

2009-01-07T16:45:00.002-07:00

Believe it or not, this is post #100. Sure, there were a couple posts that didn't make the cut, so I've really only posted 97 or so, but I've written 100.

So, you might ask, what are you going to discuss on this all-important milestone of a post? I dunno. I have a great idea for #101, but #100's going to be pretty lame.

One idea that's been going through my mind lately is -handedness, as in right-handedness or left-handedness, or even both-handedness. I've been intrigued by this for some time. In high school I decided that the only difference between me (a righthander) and a left-handed person is that a left-handed person uses their left hand. So I started doing everything with my left hand.

It was pretty amazing how quickly I was able to use my left hand for things: eating, writing, 'rithmatic. But no matter how much I used my left hand, and no matter how good I got at using it, it still never felt comfortable, and that's what I'd like to talk about today.

You might be surprised at how many things there are in your daily life that you do with one hand or the other; or, really, one side of your body or another.

For example, I'm completely unable to hold the phone up to my left ear. No matter how long a conversation goes or how sweaty my right ear gets, I can't make the switch. I can hear just fine with my left ear, but for some reason my brain freaks out when it's asked to listen to a phone on the left.

Another example: cutting a steak. For some reason, I always switch my fork to my left hand and cut with my right hand, then switch hands to eat the piece of steak. Call me a freak. Really! I'm a freak. Why shouldn't I be able to cut a steak with my left hand?

Playing the guitar. Not only can I not play a guitar left-handed, but I can't even HOLD a guitar left-handed. It just feels so wrong.

Folding my arms with my left hand on top. I don't have any trouble interlocking my fingers with my left thumb on top, but I can't fold my arms with my left arm on top. I don't even think I could do it if someone put my arms in place for me.

Zipping a zipper. Can't do it with my left hand; it just gets stuck.

Cutting my toenails. I can cut the fingernails on my right hand with my left hand, and usually do a pretty darn good job, but I sure can't cut my toenails with my left hand.

Pour. Seriously, it's really hard to pour things with my left hand. I guess my body figures my right hand can do it just fine, why teach the left? I'm pretty sure I'd spill all over the place if I tried.

Use a mouse. Okay, so I AM able to use a mouse with my left, but the results are never pretty.

Use most tools. Word of advice: don't hold a nail for me if I have to hammer left-handed. I also can't turn in a screw with the driver in my left hand. I can use pliers with my left if it can just stay in place.

Every day I notice something else that I do with my right hand for the simple reason that I have just always done it that way. I hate to think that I do things out of habit, but I do. I've been trying to change those tendencies, often with comic results. Have you noticed anything that you do with one hand or the other when it could just as easily be done with the other? Will you now?

Er...

2008-12-29T11:27:00.002-07:00

As many of you probably know, I'm the kind of guy that likes to understand things. I can't just accept as fact something that somebody tells me. For some people, it's enough to give them a cord and tell them to plug it into an outlet and their device will work. For me, I like to know every function that device has, how it's accessed, what functions can be done with it outside the scope of its intended purpose, and what problems may arise with its use. I also like to know how the electricity powering the device is being produced and how electricity itself powers things.

It was so much easier to be a kid and just believe that some things worked by magic. Now, this post has nothing to do with electricity, or with electronic devices. To be honest, I'm not sure why that first paragraph is there. Today's topic is "words". "Words."

Where do words come from? What do they really mean? Does their meaning change over time? Most people don't care, and for good reason: it's really boring stuff. Unfortunately, I can't help be think about them.

One class of words that has intrigued me recently is words that describe an action, but have evolved into a motionless word. Take the word "Movie", for example. We talk about movies a lot, we go to movies, we watch movies, we make movies (in some cases we make movies we wish we hadn't).

So what is a movie? I'll give you a hint: they pre-date "Talkies". That's right. They're called movies because they're pictures that move. Most everyone in the world probably knew that before they turned 27. Not me, though. To me, a movie was a movie just as a frog was a frog. That's just what it was.

I saw a sign today above a garbage can saying that "wrappers" belong in it. A wrapper. That's the stuff that's on candy and stuff. The stuff that "wraps" around something else. Is it odd that, at 32 years old, I'm just now starting to understand these things?

How about a "Shutter"? You know those things; they hang out on windows. Sure, most of them are decorative and no longer "shut" the way you'd think they would, but they're still there.

How did these words make it into our vocabulary? Seriously! Why aren't shutters called "openers" because they also open or movies called "Changies" because the picture changes?

But it brings up questions about how butter got its name. Was it originally made by goats butting their heads against a milk jug, or by some other less hygienic method?

Flowers? Did they used to be more liquid than they currently are?

Mister? Did men used to spray a lot when they talked? If so, I'm glad most of us have evolved out of that stage.

Number? Did people hate math so much that they felt it was numbing to their brains?

Sewer? Were the things that people used to sew really so bad that they were good for nothing but to be sent down the drain? Who knows.

Summer? I guess I enjoy counting how many summers I have left rather than how many winters, but is that really how the name came about?

I'm not offering any answers. I'm not even sure what my questions are. My point (if there is one) is that there are a lot of words that are really, really strange if you stop to look at them closely. Maybe it's best if we don't.

The Soundtrack to my Life

2008-12-26T16:35:00.002-07:00

I just saw this on my brother Russell's blog and figured that with the crazy, eclectic mix of music I have that it would be a crime against posterity not to participate.

What you do is this:
1:Open iTunes, or other music library, put it on shuffle, press play
2:For every question type the name of the song that is playing
3:When you go to a new question push next (or skip)
4:Don't lie to pretend you are cool

The Questions are as follows (my answers are in these())

Opening Credits:(Big Time)
Waking Up:(The Show Must Go On)
First Day at School:(Savage Blue Sky)
Falling in Love:(Meet Virginia)
Fight Song:(I Am...I Said)
Breaking up:(Songbird)
Prom:(Us and Them)
Life's Ok:(You Ain't Goin' Nowhere)
Mental Breakdown:(The Icicle Melts)
Driving:(Another Picture to Burn)
Flashback:(Subliminal)
Getting Back together:(Crowdpleaser)
Wedding:(What Do You Want From Me)
Birth of Child:(Proof)
Final Battle:(Pretty Fly For a Rabbi)
Death Scene:(Napule Ca Se Ne Va)
Funeral song:(All This Time)
End Credits:(Shine On You Crazy Diamond)

Stamps

2008-12-22T13:53:00.004-07:00

Hey, it's been a little while since I last posted. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that I don't have anything GOOD to say. Life is pretty mundane sometimes and I'm sure nobody wants to waste time reading about which shows I watched on TV or how many crossword puzzled I did, even if I did them really well.

The only really big thing going on with us right now is that Annie and I have made the transition from passive letterboxers to active letterboxers. No longer do we just go out and find boxes other people have planted; we now plant our own boxes.

We're starting out small, though. We started with two boxes in Ophir, one at each end of town. You can read the clue here. You can even go out and try to find the boxes if you ever find yourself near Ophir. It's a long drive, but the stamps are pretty cool.

Next on the list: a series of Great Salt Lake themed letterboxes. I hate to reveal my plans, but we're planning to put that sailboat (below) near the marina, the seagull by Black Rock (west of the marina) and the picture of the old Saltair Pavillion somewhere--I can't remember where, but it'll come to me.

We'll probably have to wait for the snow to melt, but we'll get them planted.

These pictures also include other stamps I've carved but haven't yet found a home for. If you've got any ideas where they could go, let me know. And, if you haven't at least looked into finding some letterboxes, you should check out www.AtlasQuest.com or www.letterboxing.org. You'll be glad you did. Or, as Lavar Burton used to say on Reading Rainbow, "Don't take my word for it." But, I don't have a bunch of literate kids here to tell you what you're missing, but the websites will explain things...

Homers...

2008-12-14T18:47:00.003-07:00

They may not be able to get married, but at least Twizzlers has them covered!

Oh, Please Be Careful

2008-12-06T14:18:00.002-07:00

I understand that they were probably saying that foreign objects going down the toilet would have a good chance of plugging things up and would have to be removed manually, but this sign really conjures up images of a toilet attached to the center of a 2x12 laid over the top of a giant open septic pit. I also picture toxic green bubbles percolating at the bottom of the pit and noxious fumes rising in plumes from the abyss. It seems to suggest that actually using the toilet would require Indiana Jones-like skills to avoid adding too much weight to the potty pending perilously above the poisonous pit.

Fortunately it was much less sinister than that. Maybe I shouldn't have flushed down that kid's shoe I found in the parking lot...

Hey Man!

2008-12-01T12:49:00.002-07:00

Everybody has a "Hey Man", don't they? I would assume so. I have several "Hey Men". This is not to be confused with a "Hay Man": the kind of guys who are suited for very little else besides standing in a field scaring birds away.

No, a "Hey Man" (I promise to stop using " " after I define the term) is that guy at work or at school that you don't really know, but for some reason, at some point in the past, one or both of you started saying "Hey" every time you passed each other in the hall. Sometimes it's not a formal "Hey", but rather just a nod or a head "up-jerk", or, in rare instances, just a mouth click with an awkward half-wink.

You can't even remember when you started saying Hey to the guy. It may not even be a guy, though it usually is. If you have a "Hey Woman" (it's a different term), and you're single, that can be a good thing (if she's also single). You can eventually work that Hey into a Howzitgoing?, which, over time, can lead to a Youbuzytonight? If you have a "Hey Woman" and you're married, or she's married and you're single, it can lead to some very awkward silences if you're ever stuck in an elevator together.

Was it you that initiated the Hey, or was it the other guy? You don't know. He doesn't know. Neither of you have any idea. You may have occasionally said more than Hey; that doesn't automatically advance the Hey Man into an "Acquaintance". Of course, you try to avoid any conversation longer than Hey, but occasionally you find yourself walking the same direction as your Hey Man. Usually, you're able to remember something you forgot to do back the way you came and you can avoid extending the conversation past Hey.

Sometimes, though, when you're just not on your game, or the group of people you're walking with suddenly dissolves into the surrounding cubicles and you find yourself alone with your Hey Man, you have to extend the conversation to the next level, which usually involves mention of some local sports team, unusual weather phenomena, or, if you're really lucky, a big news story like a tsunami or a hurricane.

However the conversation progresses, though, at your next meeting you once again become "Hey People".

It's possible to have multiple Hey Men. In fact, in larger offices, it's pretty common. If you have a well-established routine, you get thrown out of your groove when any of your Hey Men are on vacation or out sick. If you expect to say Hey to your "before-lunch" Hey Man, it can really ruin your lunch if he's not there, returning from the break room, holding his warm smelly soup in his old tupperware container.

Sometimes, a Hey Man will be unfamiliar with the unwritten rules of Hey Men (they may be unliterate (think about it)). Sometimes a Hey Man will try to engage in conversation, especially on elevators and other places where office workers tend to settle. A good Hey Man will be respectful and stare at the floor indicator (in an elevator), the microwave readout (in a room with a microwave), or just at the ceiling (anywhere else, or if the microwave isn't being used).

Yep, good Hey Men are hard to find. And sometimes, even after you've found a good Hey Man, your good Hey Man will turn to the dark side and start trying to converse. Maybe a mutual friend will introduce you, or he'll just have a sudden attack of loneliness. Nobody truly knows what turns a good Hey Man bad. But the question remains: how do you behave around a good Hey Man gone bad?

Your first instinct might be to just ignore the unwanted conversation, and for some Hey Men this can be effective. For others, it may cause them to get all sorts of disgruntled, and they might think that YOU're the one being rude, not realizing that THEY're the one disregarding centuries of unwritten Hey Man Comportment. Some people just don't like admitting they're wrong.

Your second instinct (can you really have a second instinct? It seems to me it would be more appropriate to say "Your second conditioned response") might be to confront the Hey Man. This must be handled delicately, and most people lack the skill to be able to pull off this conversation. Most people find that, with their failure to properly execute #2 (referring to the instinct or conditioned response, you sicko), they have to jump straight to #3, described below.

The third option, and typically the only one left to you, is to drastically change your daily routine. It's hard, but it can be done. It's usually best to do it after a long vacation, or an extended holiday season (there's one coming up, if you need to execute this option). You may need to change your work hours--that's the easiest. Just start your day 30 minutes earlier and you'll be 30 minutes early for every Hey Man encounter you used to have.

If changing your work schedule isn't an option, you may need to change your lunch habits--mayb start going out for lunch, or staying in for lunch if you currently go out. Again, it's a big change and may not always be 100% effective. Maybe your former Hey Man will change his schedule, too, in an attempt to avoid you (especially if you unsuccessfully executed a #2 (again, referring to the instinct)).

If all else fails, you may just have to find another job. A disgruntled Hey Man isn't likely to follow you to a new company. It sometimes happens, but not often.

Hopefully, this little guide will help you keep good relationships with all of your Hey Men (or Women). Remember: there are always options if your Hey Man goes bad. But be aware that if your current Hey Men start changing their schedules, going out for lunch, and terminating their employment, maybe YOU are the bad Hey Man.

I'm back...

2008-11-24T10:09:00.003-07:00

It's been a little while since I posted. It would be nice to be able to report about the crusie we took to the Caribbean last week, but, since we didn't take a cruise it would be hard to say much about it. In fact, I spent most of the week in bed trying to shake this cold. Still no luck, but I'm back at work anyway so I don't get too far behind.

While sick, though I managed to make it to the Aussie Pink Floyd concert Thursday night with some guys from my ward (imagine rocking out to Pink Floyd with your Bishop and Elders' Quorum President...) I'm not sure if it was the cold medicine I was on or just something in the air, but the show was excellent. If you don't know much about Pink Floyd, there are some songs to the right (and down a little bit) on my blog that you can listen to. It's not as good as being at the concert, but not bad.

In other news:

My hearings for both today and tomorrow have been cancelled, which is good.
I spent last Monday and Tuesday touring natural gas pipeline plants all over the state of Utah. It was interesting to see it all, but it was really good to be back home, too.
I have to give a 15-30 minute presentation to all the county assessors in the state next week. Maybe I should start preparing for it...

Mmm

2008-11-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

So this is what Annie's been doing while I'm at work...

Coincidence?

2008-11-06T13:17:00.002-07:00

I'm not sure it was coincidence that this turned up on a bulletin board at work the same day Obama won the election...

Either way, I was relieved to see that they're just selling posters, not the originals.

Rome Temple

2008-11-04T07:53:00.003-07:00

I'm pretty sure that if you didn't hear the conference announcement of the Temple in Rome, Italy, you've heard about it since then.

Well, through the miracle of the internet I can show you where it's going to be and what the site currently looks like. Unfortunately I can't tell you what it will look like when it's completed; you'll have to rely on your imagination for that.

Here's a screen-shot from Google Earth of the area:

The site is in the Northeast section of the city, just inside the Grande Raccordo Anulare (the ring road around Rome). The pushpin at the bottom of the screen is La Villa (the Mission Home).

The lot that the church owns is beautiful. There are many trees that I hope will be kept and incorporated into the finished product. Those tall trees in the background are Stone Pines, also called Umbrella Pines 'cause they look like giant umbrellas. They're all over the place in Italy, and really give the area a cool feel. The trees below the pines are Olive trees.

Apparently there's a small building on the site currently. I don't know what the plans are with it, but I imagine it'll probably be in the way.

Can't you just imagine a temple there?

Here's a close-up of the olive grove. My sources tell me the trees are protected and can't be removed--they can be moved, but can't be REmoved.

Annie and I both are excited to attend the dedication of the temple. It'll be great for the members over there to have a temple so close... and great for us to be able to attend the temple on our vacations over there.

Revisions

2008-10-30T11:42:00.002-06:00

Annie mentioned to me last night that the 7 random things about me in the last post weren't the 7 things SHE would have listed. Here's her list:

1) I write computer programs for fun. Yes, it's true that I write them, but perhaps less true that I finish them. Of the 30 programs I've started, there are only 8 that I would call "finished". It's nice to be able to create something that obeys my rules without question. I can create entire worlds and set my own laws; if I want someone to be able to jump twice their height, that's okay. If I want space ships to be the size of planets, that's okay too.

2) I have a concealed carry permit. Yep, that's true too, but perhaps it's not quite accurate to say that I carry concealed firearms. There are certainly occasions where I'll strap on a 357 magnum--walking after dark is one of those occasions--but it's usually just too much of a hassle.

3) I have the exact same routine every morning. Really, though, who doesn't? I wake up, walk into the bathroom, take a shower, dry myself (being careful to use the correct areas of the towel for the correct parts of my body), get dressed, put on my shoes sitting on the couch, put my lunch together, and head out the door. Nothing too magical, but if anything gets in the way it can really throw me off.

4) I taught myself to play the guitar. Well, in reality I've taught myself to do most things that I do. I found out early on that it was easier to ignore the teacher and just teach myself the stuff from the book. The teachers in school just made it harder than it had to be. I've also taught myself a few languages, although with the limited opportunities I have to use them I've been losing a lot of my language abilities.

5) All my shirts have to face the same way in the closet. Am I really in the minority here? Doesn't everyone enjoy having their shirts face the same way? A shirt should be hung such that you can pull the hanger out with your right hand and have the shirt facing away from you. You can then grab the shirt by the left edge of the collar with your left and it's ready to be thrown on. You should be able to just count on that.

Not only that, with collared shirts you don't want the collars in the front to be smashing each other. It's bad enough that they have to touch at all.

6) I never push the snooze button (we had this discussion in the bedroom, which is why most of these refer to things there). I used to push snooze a lot, but realized that I wasn't feeling any more rested. Not only that, I was training my body to turn off the alarm without bothering to wake me up. It got to the point where I'd occasionally sleep right through an alarm. That just can't happen.

When my phone's alarm goes off (I use the phone because it doesn't lose the time when the power goes out, and because you can use whatever ringtone you want to wake you) I grab it, turn off the alarm, and hold it in my hand. There's a second alarm that goes off a couple minutes later to make sure I'm on my way. If I happen to fall back asleep, that next alarm (paired with the vibrate mode) wakes me up just fine.

7) I still remember a lot of item numbers from Costco, 3 years after I quit working there.

20 - Regular Coca Cola
44004 - Kirkland Tortilla Strips
419927 - Halloween costumes (maybe it's changed by now)
77666 - Iceberg Lettuce

I could go on, but I won't.

These Are a Few of My Randomest Things

2008-10-29T12:51:00.013-06:00

I've been tagged. That takes on a slightly different meaning with it being deer hunting season and all, but maybe it's not all that different. Here the tag: "Share 7 random facts about yourself on your blog."

Now, I'm pretty sure I post random facts about myself on a regular basis, but I've probably never had 7 things in a single post. So here we go:

1) For a long time I thought I had a good false advertising case against M&Ms candy. They're supposed to melt in your mouth and not your hand, right? Well, my sticky 5-year-old hands would always turn colors whenever I held them. Somehow it took a really long time to eat them.

Fast forward 25 years. I finally decide to look into the feasibility of filing a lawsuit against M&Ms, complete with pictures of colored candy coating in the palm of my hands. And then I realized their loophole: the MILK CHOCOLATE melts in your mouth, not in your hands. I didn't have any milk chocolate on my hands. None. I was devastated. There went my multi-million dollar idea.

1a) This would probably qualify on its own, but I used to eat M&Ms (and sometimes Skittles) in order. But not just any order; it had to be a mirrored order. In other words, I had to eat (B)rown, (T)an, (R)ed, (Y)ellow, and reverse that to finish, eating (Y), (R), (T), then (B). Of course, if there were ever an odd number of M&Ms, they'd fit in the middle. If there was more than one color with an odd number I'd have to eat some quickly so that I could make the pattern correctly. This might be why M&Ms always melted in my hand.

1b) I still do this when I'm alone.

2) I love watching infomercials. At least some of them. I'd never consider buying anything, but it's usually some pretty good entertainment. They have those miracle blade knives that look pretty good, but I really have to hold a knife in my hand before I buy it. It has to have a certain feel to it. I prefer the knives that have the one-piece metal going clear to the back of the handle.

Ron Popiel always had some good commercials. The RonCo food dehydrator was one of my favorites. Of course, with every purchase you'd get the RonCo Dial-a-matic vegetable slicer, so it was a good deal. And you could be sure that you wouldn't be paying 99.99, or 89.99, or even 79.99. Would you believe it's not going to cost you 69.99? 59.99? It'll cost under $50 for sure! And you'll get two or three other things to go with it. You can't beat that.

3) I don't drive with my hands at 10 and 2. Now, with the proliferation of airbags (I'm specifically referring to the ones in cars) they recommend putting your hands at 8 and 4. The logic is that you'll be able to maintain control of the steering wheel if the airbag deploys. Chances are, though, there won't be much left to maintain control of; not to mention the fact that you'll have a giant airbag in your face and acidic powder floating around the car to deal with.

Nope, no 10-and-2-er am I. Nor am I a fan of the 8-and-4. I prefer 9. Not only is it easier to drive that way, it's easier to say, though people often don't put it in the context of driving unless you're on the subject. If I were to say "I keep my hand at 9" out of the blue, you'd wonder about me. Whereas if someone says, "I keep my hands at 10 and 2" everyone knows what they're talking about.

It's just so much easier to rest my left arm on the top of the door and grab the wheel with my left hand. That leaves my right hand free to manipulate the radio and air controls, or communicate with other drivers. It's much safer to drive "at 9".

4) I love pop-tarts (at this point I'm just looking around at my desk for ideas). They're pretty tasty. I've only ever toasted one, though, and that was enough to convince me they're better cold. You have to wait for them to cool down before you can eat them anyway.

Not only do I like them, I have a very specific way of eating them (you're surprised, I know). I like to eat each "tart" in three separate pieces. You'd think the easiest way to do that would be to just break it into 3 pieces in series: [][][]. You'd be wrong, though. It just doesn't break well that way, and you don't have an outer edge on the middle piece so it crumbles all over the place.

To effectively break a pop tart into three pieces you have to break off the first third: [][ ], and then break the remaining 2/3s in half the other way (I can't show that with brackets). That way each piece has a long-side of outer edge and they can each be eaten without any hassle.

4a) I don't waste time with fruit-based pop-tart varieties. The nutrition information is the same for "Cookie Dough" pop-tarts as it is with "Strawberry" poptarts. Why eat Strawberry when you can eat Cookie Dough for the same number of calories?

) I'll get to the really good stuff in a minute as a reward for anyone who actually reads all of this. (I probably won't; I'm just killing time while I think of something else). I'd like to take this opportunity to note that the tag doesn't say anything about "interesting facts", just "random facts".

5) I prefer to stay unaffiliated. Although politically I lean to the right I hesitate to affiliate myself with the Republican party. Even though I'm an advocate for 2nd amendment rights I've never seriously considered joining the NRA. I cheer for the Jazz because it's easy and convenient, not because I have any real emotional attachment to the team. There's not a single sports team, professional, college, or otherwise, that I care about so strongly that I'd get into an argument with someone over the team's performance.

Does this reveal a fear of committment? I doubt it; there are many important things to which I'm completely committed. Annie, for one. The Church, for another.

I think it's primarily a fear that, as time goes by, those other organizations may not continue to represent my views--whether it be my own views that change, or the policies and ideas of the organization. Maybe I'm afraid that, in affiliating myself with an organization, I would change my opinions to match theirs. Either way, I think I'm better off just trusting in the things I've already committed to and leaving the rest alone.

6) I'm too nice. I could really get some mileage out of using my size and overall "scary" appearance to intimidate people. I usually don't, though. Being taller and stronger than almost everybody else isn't my fault--I don't even work out.

There are times, though, when I think it would be fun to scare people; sort of like how twins can trade places without people knowing. Just, generally speaking, using an inherent, unique characteristic to achieve something most people are unable to do. Maybe I should work on making my voice louder...

7) Is this the last one? I would have been happy to just do five. Or four; #5 was pretty stupid too. My #7, I guess, is that I taught myself Morse Code. I love codes and ciphers and all of that stuff. Morse Code may seem to have outlived its usefulness, but you'd be surprised how often you see it, if you know it.

There are songs that have Morse code playing in the background; strategically placed dots and dashes in architecture; dots and dashes in all sorts of pop-culture places. It's a forgotten art--in fact, I've forgotten quite a bit of it myself... I should refresh my knowledge of it.

Hopefully this has been illuminating for my readers and all my stalkers. I refuse to tag anyone; mostly because almost everyone I know has previously been tagged, or is currently tagged, or will be tagged by someone else in the near future. The madness has to end somewhere--why does it always end with me?

Hey Kool-Aid!

2008-10-28T10:22:00.004-06:00

I don't need to lose a LOT of weight, I just want to lose enough weight so that kids don't yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" whenever I break through a wall. OH YEAH!

Aliens

2008-10-27T17:53:00.001-06:00

If aliens are watching us, which species do you think they think is running the show down here--the dogs, or the people cleaning up after the dogs?

It wasn't in my head...

2008-10-22T19:53:00.002-06:00

It was in my thumb.

Can you see the size of that thing sitting near the bottom joint of my thumb? (Not the bump near the top knuckle.) That thing, just short of 1/4 inch, has been embedded in my thumb for the last 2 months. My thumb has been swollen and sore since. Nobody believed me that there was a piece of wood in there, but Annie squoze (is that a word?) it out today. My thumb still hurts like you wouldn't believe, but now maybe it can heal.

Thanks for popping it out for me, Annie! TVBA.

Rocky Mountain Hi!

2008-10-20T20:34:00.003-06:00

Or, more formally, Rocky Mountain Hello!

Greeting from Greeley. Just kidding, we're in Colorado Springs. I had to come out here to audit a couple pipelines and was able to fit Annie in my carry-on.

We flew into Denver on Sunday morning and got our rental car. Guess what kind of car they gave us? I'll give you a hint: it's in the picture below:

It's a Mitsubishi Eclipse. It's a little more sporty than you'd expect a state property tax auditor to be driving. And it seems a little small for a guy that's 6'5" and nearly 300lbs. It's okay, though, because the front seat slides back until it touches the beck seat. It's just really hard to get in and out.

On the plus side, it turns around really quick when you accidentally turn the wrong way on a one-way street.

We met up with Annie's sister, Liz, and her family. They drove in clear from Eagle (about 2 hrs away, for those of you playing at home) just to spend a few hours with us. It was great to see them and explore downtown Denver with them. I'd never considered Denver a tourist destination before, but there's a lot of neat stuff going on there.

Sunday night we made the drive down to Colorado Springs and found our hotel. It's not too bad; just off the freeway and pretty similar to every other hotel I've ever stayed at. They do have a good breakfast, though, and a nice exercise room. And most of the toilets work.

For Monday's dinner, we'd heard about this place called the "Salt Grass Steakhouse". It sounded good. Actually, it sounded like they served steak with rock salt and shredded grass on it. It turns out they don't. It was a pretty good steak, as seen below:

It was tasty, but still not as good as the Texas Roadhouse. I would put it #2 on my list of good steaks; above Sizzler, but far behind Texas Roadhouse. There are plenty of Texas Roadhouses around here, though, so we'll still get a good steak before we leave.

Anyway, things are going well here. We'll see you all Friday (if you happen to be somewhere near us that day after we get home...)

Eights

2008-10-16T17:48:00.003-06:00

You'll all be happy to know that I'm changing the way I write the number 8.

That's right--you heard me. Growing up, I used to have some really pretty 8s. They were done in one fluid motion and had a cool edge to them. They were pretty exciting 8s, as far as 8s go.

Then something happened. I don't know what, so sorry if you were expecting a great traumatic story about how I could no longer write my 8s. I think it just got to the point where I could no longer read them. Of course, I couldn't read anything that I'd written. It's just that the 8s were worse than other letters.

So I decided it was time to change them back. Instead of writing an 8 like in the left up above (making two circles that sometimes didn't touch, and more often than not overlapped to the point that they looked like a bold 0) I now, once again, write my 8s like the one on the right. One fluid, beautiful motion.

I know I won't ever be perfect, but at least fixing my 8s is a step in the right direction, right?

Quotes

2008-10-14T16:26:00.003-06:00

I know I usually post funny things (or things that I intend to be funny), but I've been in a serious mood lately and need to try to be serious for a while. While doing so, though, I intend to try to be funny.

Over the last couple weeks I've been working on a computer program. It's pretty simple. I love to do those Cryptograms like they have in the newspaper. I love to try to figure them out. And, I'd have to say that I'm getting pretty good.

The problem is that I don't have a pencil in my nightstand (I do them at night), and it's really hard to erase pen. Not that I ever really have to erase anything, but it would be nice to know I could if the need ever arose.

So, rather than try to find a pencil, I've decided to write a program that fills in the letters at your command; you don't need any style of writing implement--just your fingers. And, if you need to erase, you just hit the backspace and it erases everything for you. I've considered making a "pen" game mode and a "pencil" game mode, but I'm not sure it'd be worth the trouble.

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this one:

In order to be able to make the program challenging, I needed quotes (the quote part of "Cryptoquote") that weren't already in my head. If I'm too familiar with the quotes it won't be much of a challenge at all. So I had to find a source of quotations. And, where do you go when you need information? The Internet!

I was hoping somebody out there would just have an excel spreadsheet set up the way I needed it, but I guess nobody got my e-mail. In the end, I had to copy and paste thousands of quotes (most of them in groups of 100 or more) and then write macros to go through and "massage" the data into a format I could use.

There are a lot of quotes; some good, some really stupid. I weeded out the stupid ones, too; and the ones that contradict my beliefs (it's my program, after all). While reading through them I noticed that many of the same quotations were attributed to more than one person, so I took out all the author names (hey, it's my program, I can do with it as I will). Besides, the author's names in the quote make it too easy to solve them (who doesn't know that "F.P. KLESP" is C.S. Lewis?)

The end result of going through all the quotations is that I read some that really spoke to me, and I would like to share some of them with you. I'm not saying they're good, just that they spoke to me:

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (that's not a plea for comments; it just made me realize that I often don't support my friends (and family) the way I should)
"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something." (this has been my motto for as long as I can remember; I just haven't yet found the something to learn everything about)
"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." (some would argue this)
"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
"If you are going through hell, keep going."
"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like a ham-and-eggs breakfast: the chicken was 'involved'; the pig was 'committed'."
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." (He'll probably make me use the back door... and wipe my feet really good before coming in.)
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." (I'd like the opportunity to try to prove this one wrong)
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." (I broke up with many a girl when I saw how they treated servers at restaurants)
"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." (If you graphed a line showing what I think I know, and a line showing what I actually know, they would have crossed about 10 years ago)
"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." (If I'm confused about something, chances are somebody else is. I like to let them ask the question and sit back pretending I knew the answer all along.)
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." (Isn't life better when you're just hanging on by the fingernails hoping to not get bucked off?)
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men." (which reminds me of the demotivational poster: "Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.")
"Always do right--this will gratify some and astonish the rest."
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world."
"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience."
"Every man I meet is in some way my superior." (Some peoples' greatest accomplishment is to serve as a warning to the rest of us)
"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow." (I guess maybe I could find something...)
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." (My actual philosophy is to find the right place and wait around for the right time...)
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it." (I really want to have the guts to say that sometime.)
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."
"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
"The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that lightning ain't distributed right."
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ-grinder is in the room."
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
"Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?"

Anyway. There were some good ones. I didn't even have to break out the Jack Handey (but you can be sure he'll be featured in the program when it's done). Let me know if you'd like a copy of the program when I finish it. Also, let me know any favorite quote you have that you want to be sure gets in the rotation.

The Sword of Justice

2008-10-07T17:18:00.004-06:00

As Annie and I prepare for our trip to Italy (yeah, it's in a couple years; we can plan now, right?) I'm reminded of Italy in almost all that I see.

For example, this picture of the plunger in the restroom at work: Some clever person wrote "Sceptr of Power" on it with a Sharpie. Of course, they spelled "Sceptre" wrong, but the idea is still there; they're trying to show that wielding a plunger gives you power. How does this tie to Italy, you ask?

Well, it starts with a fundamental difference in toilet shape. In the USA we have toilets with a bowl that's, well, bowl-shaped. It Italy it's a little more complicated: their toilets are bowl shaped near the top, but then funnel down into a small hole (3" around or so). The water in a US toilet is substantial, covering most of the bottom of the bowl. Not so it Italy: the water is limited to that 3" round hole in the bottom, leaving you susceptible to "skidmarks".

(For the record, I don't know why there are waves in my toilet sketches. Maybe these toilets are on a boat?)

As you probably can't tell from my crude drawings, the US toilet lends itself well to a plunger--the water level is high enough that you can get a good seal around the plunger, allowing it to plunge. On the Italian toilets, however, you can plunge all day long without making anything move. That's where the Sword of Justice comes in.

The Sword of Justice was a crude device fashioned of a wire coat hanger, often quickly in times of need. The Sword of Justice had a handle made of the write being doubled over on itself a couple times, and a "business end" that was made from the end of the unraveled hanger that has the twisty bit at the end.

The Sword of Justice would be gripped by the handle and ... Well, it's probably not necessary to explain in detail. This post's already on the edge of being too crude (that's the third time I've used that word). Needless to say, if the wielder of the Sword of Justice fought a good fight the toilet would be be rendered useful once more.

I may not have made the connection: the Sceptre of Power reminded me of the Sword of Justice because they both serve the same general purpose, and because they both have cool names.

The corollary to this description of the Sword of Justice is that, given the Italian diet, a Sword of Justice is seldom necessary.

And, if you ever get tired of using either the Sceptre of Power or the Sword of Justice you can always just install some "Moon Boots" in your house:

Just watch your step.

Life's Been Good to Me So Far

2008-10-02T17:38:00.003-06:00

I've recently realized that I've skated through life pretty well so far. That's not to say that I haven't had my share of minor troubles, irritations, and problems, but for the most part I've gotten off easy.

I don't want to jinx myself here (I really hope my desk is made of real wood) but I just wanted to take a minute to reflect on the problems I haven't had, especially since getting married (i have a hard time remembering anything before that...maybe things were so bad I'm repressing those memories?)

Our house is still standing, and is still very comfortable for us. I'd like to thank everyone again who helped us fix it up when we moved in. For anyone unfamiliar with the story, with the help of friends and family we were able to fix (and build) walls, retexture some of the walls, paint every square inch of the interior, remove and replace the carpet, and dozens of other things in under a week. We've continued to fix it up and it's really turning into a nice home.

Our vehicles are still running relatively well, and one is paid for. Annie's Malibu has about 130,000 miles on it, and still hasn't had any major problems (a water pump went bad last year, but that's about it). I know that repairs are on the horizon, but we've gotten over 2 payment-free years out of it. That's great. The Jeep's still running well, but it still sucks down gas like... well, about like you'd expect. It's fully insured, though. Are there any good cliffs in Tooele?

I have a job that I enjoy. And, on top of that, my bosses are glad to have me. How often does that happen? Sure, I'd leave if the right offer came along, but for now I enjoy it and have no complaints.

Even after all these years, I still get along with my family. From what I hear, that's pretty rare, especially considering how many of us there are. We still get together on a semi-regular basis and get along fine when we're all together. No complaints.

We have enough money to pay our bills, and even a little extra each month. Sure, I'm not able to engage in my expensive hobbies as often as I used to, but I'm okay with it. I'm sure that one day I'll have the means to make up for all the fun I didn't have now. If all I have to do to get ahead for the future is give up some golf and guns (not at the same time) it's probably worth it.

We have enough clothes to wear; we never even have to go around naked. Sometimes I will just for fun, though.

We've never been forced to miss a meal. Sure, we've skipped a meal or two here or there, but, generally speaking, we make enough to keep food on the table. Not only that, but both of us cook pretty well. No mac and cheese for us, no sir. Well, unless it's Farfalle with Pecorino Romano cheese. I guess that counts.

We haven't had to live out on the street. That's always a plus. And, unlike some people, we don't even have to sleep in a tent in our back yard, though we could if we chose to.

Our lawn's green. Whoever would have thought I could bring our lawn back from the dead and actually make it sort of look good? Not me.

I guess the thing I appreciate most is my wife, Annie. Even if I had all of this and more it wouldn't make up for not having her. It's so much easier to enjoy the simple joys of life when you have someone to share them with.

Pass

2008-09-26T15:31:00.002-06:00

Well, it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, but I'm still really glad I studied. There were 165 questions (5 more than they'd said) in two parts. The first part was 83 questions and I was allotted 3 hours for it. The second part was 82 questions, and I was allotted an additional 3 hours. In between the two sections I was allowed a 30 minute break (I could take longer than that but it would cut into my time).

After signing in, they took my picture, then informed me that every square inch of the testing room was covered by their dozen cameras at all times. Then they make me take everything out of my pockets--wallet, keys, cell phone (which had to be turned off), change, guitar picks, chapstick-- and remove my watch. The only things I was allowed to keep with me were my clothes, belt, shoes, wedding ring, and glasses. Next time I'll know which items to write the answers on (you can fit a lot of answers on a belt my size).

The first section was pretty tough. There were a lot of calculation questions, and there were very few questions that I instantly knew the answers to. Of the 83 questions, i was completely sure about 20 or so, somewhat sure about 40, and crossing my fingers on the other 23.

Since I'd only been in there an hour and 15 minutes when my break came up, I decided to just keep plugging away, and was surprised to find the second half much easier. There were about 30-40 that I was sure about, and reasonably sure about most of the rest. And, of course, by the time I got to the last 20 or so I was pretty sure I'd passed anyway so I didn't spend too much time worrying about them.

There were about 40 questions that I would not have known the answer to if I hadn't studied the weeks before, and I was really surprised at how well the things I studied matched up to the test.

I know there are a lot of people who have a hard time taking tests, so in a way I feel bad passing things so easily. However, just so you don't think I'm a total jerk about it, I produced a study guide while I was doing my studying that I plan to share with the other 8 guys that will be taking the test later this year. Maybe that study guide will be the difference between some of them passing or failing. See, I'm not a total arrogant jerk, am I?

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. It was certainly more of a challenge than I'd anticipated. I'm just glad it's over.

Crammit

2008-09-24T16:11:00.005-06:00

Well, as some of you know, and most probably don't, I'm taking my Appraisal Licensing Exam tomorrow morning. It should just be loads of fun.

Before you ask, yes I'll be licensed to appraise homes; and no, I won't appraise yours (not that I don't want to, just that it's an ethics violation. (That's not entirely true. I don't want to. But not because of you, just because I wouldn't even know where to start with a residential appraisal)).

I've spent the last 2 weeks studying pretty much all day for this test. Yes, that's officially more studying than I've ever done in my life. The difference is: I get paid to study for this test. And, if (when) I pass, they bump up my salary.

Before you start thinking that I've lost my test-taking abilities and I'm worried that I won't pass, I have to explain the situation: This test has absolutely nothing to do with what I do at work. Okay, "absolutely" nothing is a bit harsh; "virtually" nothing would be better.

The concepts are similar, but the actual execution is completely different.

But, regardless of similarities, I've been studying for a test for which I have no background. I have to retrain my mind to do things this other way, but just for a day.

Here's the breakdown of the test:

I'm supposed to allow for 6 hours to take it. I'm predicting 3 1/2 (I want to finish by lunch time).

There are 160 questions, 10 of which don't count (but, unfortunately, they don't tell you which ones).

The test is done in two halves, each with 80 questions.

I have to arrive 30 minutes early so they can train me to use the computer system that the test is done on. Are they serious? ("Hey man, what's this mousey thing with the buttons?)

They tell me immediately upon completion if I pass, but will only give me my score if I fail. I'm half-tempted to try to fail just so I can get my score. I sort of see their point, though: you don't want to feel inferior to your co-workers if they scored higher than you. But, on the other hand, it would be nice to feel superior to your co-workers if you scored higher.

I need to bring a financial calculator, one with funky buttons, but not too many buttons. If I show up with the wrong kind of calculator they confiscate it and hand me an abacus.

They want two forms of picture ID. I hope they'll accept my Concealed Firearms Permit.

I'm not allowed to bring any scratch paper with me, but they'll provide some for me when I get there. I was just planning to use my arm and a Sharpie, but I guess I'll use their paper. It's probably that recycled stuff that tears on every other word.

Hopefully I'll be able to pass the test; I'm a little more worried than I probably should be. How hard could a multiple choice test be? Especially when I only need 75% to pass! Back in my school days I could pull an 80% on tests for which I didn't even attend class.

But the stakes are high. Failing the test would cost me the price of the test and put my job in jeopardy (I'd have one more chance to take it). Plus, it'd be really embarassing to have to tell people that I scored less than 75% on a multiple choice test. At least I'd be able to get my score, though.

Life's Good

2008-09-22T12:16:00.002-06:00

How can I complain with a beautiful wife and a prize-winning toilet to come home to every night?

Something New, Used, Borrowed, and Purple

2008-09-18T11:14:00.003-06:00

Y'all (y'all. I am country) might like this. It's an ad made by the ImprovEverywhere people.

Elevator Music: Tanda @ Yahoo! Video